Stupid

I forgot again.  So now it's past midnight and I haven't blogged and I'm such an idiot.  Maybe this is finally falling through.  Maybe I just need a break for the summer.  Something clearly isn't working.  But I'll do my best to make amends right now and so fill in my requisite three paragraphs.  I don't want to mess this up completely, so I'll do my best not to.

Sometimes I miss the way it hurt.  I miss the sheer agony of sitting on that mattress on the unfinished floor and crying silently because I couldn't do anything else.  I'm a masochist.  I only really understand it now that I'm not busy hurting myself, but it feels natural this way.  It's a dull craving.  It's not something I act on or even think about that often, but parts of me certainly miss the pain.  I learned how to thrive on it, how to use it to make myself stronger, and now it's gone.

Stability is good in its own way.  But I'm not used to it yet.  I have yet to come to terms with it and work around it and do things well in its shadow.  I see stability as an obstacle.  Is that wrong?  Probably.  I miss drama, stupid though I know that to be.  I miss anticipation and excitement and anxiety.  I miss thinking about her and wanting to know that one a little bit better.  It's an odd sort of nostalgia that doesn't seem to make much sense.  But that's my life for you, not terribly full of sense.

I want to raise topics I know I shouldn't.  I want to stir things that have been set aside.  I want to think about things that have been forgiven and forgotten whiles ago because I miss the sheer volume of sensation they brought out in me.  It's bad for me, for you, for everyone, I know that.  So I suppress it a bit.  It's not hard to keep quiet about things like this.  But that's what I spent a lot of the time in the car thinking about.  Things I shouldn't wish to have back.  Things I should have let myself forget.