Mood

I know I didn't blog yesterday.  I almost don't care anymore.  Skipping a day used to feel like the end of the world and now it's just no big deal.  I have nothing to write about.  I'm no longer interested in writing.  I just want to fill up the space and be done with it.  It feels like an obligation instead of a release.  It's been a while since I've really, sincerely needed it.

I started this blog because I needed to spill my thoughts.  I needed it to be mostly anonymous but still feel like maybe someone would read it and read into it, read down to the meaning.  By someone, of course, I meant you.  I asked you before starting it, I asked you for input, I asked if you read it.  I wanted you to read it because easily half of it was directed at you, screaming in text on a computer screen the things I couldn't, or wouldn't let myself, say out loud.

I don't need it for that now.  I say most everything that I'd consider writing about.  It's better that way, which is why I want to make sure we both keep doing it, because if we don't, I'm pretty sure it will fall apart.  And maybe I would be the one to cause that final crack, but I don't think I can go back to a relationship with anything other than complete honesty and openness.

There's a difference between not being able to talk and refusing to say something.  The former happens to me a lot more than I'd like.  I push myself to avoid the latter.  I think it usually works out pretty well because even if I can't say it, I make myself type it.  Because if this is going to work, I need you to know things that I might not want you to know, as counter-intuitive as that sounds.

I'm not upset.  Yeah, it hurt a bit, there's no denying that.  No, I don't know if I'm going to do anything because I don't know how to change the way I carry myself, nor how I think of people.  I'm just tired right now, honestly tired.  Today has worn me out a bit, that's all.  I know I worry too much, and I'm sorry.  If you want me to try something, tell me, but I don't know where to start.  Or where to go.  I need detail because I just don't know how to interact with people the way everyone else seems to be able to.