All Wrong

Is it wrong that I just walked back through the snow, shaking not from the cold but from sobs? Is it wrong that I've spent the last hour crying my eyes out? Is it wrong that I've done nothing all day short of drying tears so that the world forgets about me? Is it wrong that all I want is for something to make sense?

Because apparently, this is just the way it is. Apparently, the world has a wonderful habit of dumping hell into my life and leaving me to bruise my knuckles hitting walls again and again. Right or wrong, here I am, my eyes approaching the steel-grey tint of my depression. Maybe the worst part of it all, the very worst part, is that no matter how many times I punch the wall, no matter how many tears run down my face, nothing is going to change.

I'm not just depressed, I'm angry. I'm angry because I'm there for people when they need me, because I put aside all of the pain I feel, and I try to take care of theirs. Every single time, even today, I push back all of the tears, I make myself forget, and I help them. So why is it that now, when I need somebody to be there for me, nobody is? Why is it that now, I'm stuck sitting here, crying my eyes out in front of my computer, wondering why I can't talk to anybody, why I just get to suck it all up and wipe the tears away again as soon as somebody knocks on my door.

So why? Just why? Why am I still here, with a shattered soul and broken dreams? And I know that no matter what I do now, no matter how much I cry or cringe or despair, nothing is going to change. Nobody is going to show up at my window because they care. So here I sit, watching the snow fall down outside, feeling the tears run down my cheeks, and knowing that ever so slowly, my life is ending...and I think I'm more grateful for that fact than I should be.

It's wrong. It's all wrong. And nothing works anymore. The only reason I don't give up is because I don't have the guts to. And that doesn't make me feel any better about any of it, either. I'm alone right now, completely alone. Maybe it's better that way, maybe it's better that I don't spoil the lives of everyone around me with my problems. And I just might be depressed enough right now to believe that.