On My Mind

I hate writing this. I hate having to put these words down because there are no others that will flow. I hate how I have to release this in phrases and sentences as characters on my computer screen because there is no other way that I can get this out. But the problem is, there's nothing I can do about it. If I don't put it here, I won't be able to put anything else here, either, nor will I be able to think about anything else even for a bit.

That's partially what I hate about how my mind works...this tendency to almost obsess over things I care about. They get into my mind and dominate my thought process. People wonder how I can have one song stuck in my head for weeks at a time despite listening to other music in that time. For me, it's easy. It's part of my thought process. A thought enters my head, and it bounces around for a long, long time as the sole object of my concentration before it finally manages to work itself out. When something gets into my brain, it stays there. So here goes nothing, just because I need to get it out:

I miss the way things used to be.
I miss looking forward to those moments.
I miss not feeling the need to avert my eyes.
I miss having the answers to your questions.
I miss being able to say what I feel.
I miss not being afraid of the truth.
I miss knowing that it somehow worked.
I miss actually understanding my emotions.

And there are so many more.
But the worst part is that I can't say any of it.
I almost wish I could, but by now I've learned to thrive on pain.
I rather think this hopelessness may be the only thing keeping me going.

I'm deeply and sincerely sorry to anyone who knows just what this is about. I'm sorry for the pain it may cause, for the mess of my emotions that you have become embroiled in. The irony of it all is that this may very well be the most miserable I've ever felt about a situation of similar circumstances...but it may also be the best thing that has ever happened to me. Life is rather funny like that. I have no way of knowing how things will work out a year, a month, or even a week from now. All I can do is hold on and see and hope either that something changes or that I can better accept it as it is.