Broken

And the worst part is not being able to say anything unless someone is hurt, confused, depressed. When I'm the one they go to for help with their problems, but always the last one considered for the sake of having fun. Have I forgotten how to have fun? Have I forgotten what it is to not be serious? Have I lost myself in a well of sorrow?

What am I even doing here anymore? I don't know how I went from being a friend to being a therapist. I have no idea how I lost my passion for life or where any joy or creativity I ever had has gone. All I know is that one day I open my eyes and here I am. If it all doesn't matter, then why do we care so much about all of it?

I have nothing left to say. I've learned how to be there for people, how to try and comfort them when they need someone...but how am I supposed to entertain them? How do I make witty conversation? I can't be fun anymore, it's almost like there's some part of me that makes me incapable. Maybe it's too much inhibition, or too little initiative. I don't know. I've become the sort of person who's good in a crisis, but bad in good company.

I will always be who people need. And I will never be who people want.

So here I am, staring at the train-wreck that is my life. I have literally no idea where to go from here. I could try to change myself, but not only do I not know how, I am also afraid to try. So what now? Where do I take my life? How do I try to make this work? I don't know. I am pieces of a life, remnants of a happier past. I am lost, confused, and struggling to figure it all out. I'm just hoping that maybe one day I'll remember how to smile because I want to, not because someone needs me to.