Disappointment

In our lives, we inevitably face disappointment. Not only the disappointment in things not working out the way we wanted them to, but also the disappointment of others in us. Those times when we try our hardest but still fall short, that's when it really hurts to look someone in the eyes who expected better from us.

What's harder yet, perhaps, is how we face that disappointment, what we do when confronted with it, what happens when it is put down before us and we are asked to explain. Then we have no choice, there is no avoiding it at that point. My problem there is that I know many ways of approaching the situation, but can only handle it in two. I can face it with silence, or I can face it with anger.

So that's what I had to do today. I had to come forward and pay up for the disappointment of others in me. It's worse having to face disappointment than anger or repulsion. Anger or repulsion give us an excuse to be angry back, or to at least be miserable and lash out. Disappointment comes with no such consolation; it offers no such excuse. With disappointment, we have to take it as it comes and try to respond appropriately.

I tried it with silence, I tried to shy away, to cast the downward glances that commonly imply shame, but it didn't work. I was cornered, with the disappointment glaring before me, the blood rushing up to my cheeks. So I did the one thing I knew to do in that situation--I lashed out in anger. I know that wasn't the best reaction, nor the only possible one, but it was the only one I was comfortable with, which means I went with it.

And tomorrow, I get to pay for having lashed out with more shame and guilt. But this I'm used to by now. This is one of those situations that will eventually even out and slide away without significant damage done. I don't try to be the best person anymore, I just try to hurt people as little as possible without destroying myself. And that is precisely what I have just done. Yes, I do feel bad about it to some extent, but not bad enough to want to change any of it.