Bed

I sleep with a phone next to my pillow.  I don't remember the last time I turned it off at night.  I've always been a fan of having it off unless I needed it to get in contact with someone for a given piece of work.  But now I try to constantly keep it on.  I worry about things.  I worry a lot.  And now I've started worrying about people more than I have in a while, if ever.

This winter started things on a downward spiral that I'm afraid I don't see ending yet.  I'm afraid of more things than I have been in a while.  I'm afraid of creating issues with small things and things I never had cause to worry about before.  I'm almost missing being innocent and unaware.  I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.  I'm aware that this is coming off as being somewhat depressing, but I don't really feel particularly depressed.

Forty days.  In forty days this dream that has become a nightmare will be over.  But there are two problems with this.  1) I still need to survive the forty days, and 2) I know perfectly well that things really don't get any better magically.  The summer should be nice, yes, but that doesn't mean that any of my problems will magically go away.  In fact, I know they won't, and that's hard to accept.

Depression comes and goes for me.  I can't honestly tell if I'm depressed right now or not.  I feel like I'm just in this fuzzy state of in-between where I don't really even have a reason to move, to change, to do anything.  I don't know.  It always seems to figure itself out.  I'll get there.  It'll work.  I just need a break right now that I'm not quite yet getting.