I'm an anxious person. I've gone back and forth a number of times on whether or not I consider myself to be a neurotic. I plan things out and then refuse to follow the plan because it won't work out if I try. That's the sort of person I am. I structure and restructure my life because I need organization but I also need freedom, which is the only reason I let myself tear down everything I've worked so hard to build up.
What it comes down to is that now I'm sitting here anxiously waiting for tomorrow to unfold. And then the rest of the week because that determines what happens in the summer. And then the end of the spring. And then summer. And then everything that comes after summer. I've sat here and thought through just about everything imaginable that could happen here, there, at any point in time. My mind has built up these scenarios and torn them down again and again.
I'm not sure what to think anymore. I'm fairly certain it doesn't matter. But that goes back to the age-old question that started all of this. Does this matter? I don't know. To a point, right now it feels like everything is easier if it doesn't. I'm completely alright with that. I don't need things to matter. I'd just like to be able to enjoy them occasionally and I'll be more than happy to sit back and relax sometimes.
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