Reflection

I should reflect on this past week.  Except that I really don't know what to say.  I don't understand what happened.  I don't know why or how it all came out the way it did in the end.  Does it matter?  Certainly.  It feels almost like that one time over summer where there was nothing I could do, I couldn't help, I couldn't handle anything.  That's how it is now.  And everyone is wrong.  So wrong. 

Do you really believe it's only that?  Honestly?  Does nobody realize that there's a reason I'm constantly there?  Of course I'm keeping my secrets.  By which I mean these secrets.  Then again, they really are mine.  I didn't think I would ever get to that point.  Sometimes I hoped I would.  And I realized over the course of all of this that it is not, in fact, anywhere near as glamorous as I could have hoped.  It's not pretty and it's not elegant and it really don't make sense. 

Even if it is the truth, if it was me, I don't want to admit to that.  I don't want to accept it.  In part because it is a burden for me in the future, in part because it wouldn't have gotten there if it wasn't for me in the first place, so accepting that would mean also accepting the blame.  They always tell you "it isn't your fault."  But that's bullshit.  Because in every way, you blatantly, obviously see it spelled out as being every bit your fault, and you see everywhere you went wrong and everything you could have, should have, said or done differently.

That's the point I am at.  Maybe this is good.  Maybe it needed to happen.  But it feels like it was my fault that it got where it did.  My fault that it started at all.  And I'm okay with that.  I can accept it.  I'm less than please but things happen, so I can move on and deal with it.  The frustrating thing is that I don't know what to do now, where to go from here.  I feel like I'm intruding on everything everywhere and I really don't know how to fix it. 

I think a large part of it is that I just need some time.  I need sleep.  I need to relax a bit and I need to breathe.  This has been entirely too much over a really short span of time.  I think I've said everything that needs to be said to anyone, which is good.  I'm worried.  I will continue to be worried.  I'm sitting here waiting anxiously and hoping that everything will be alright.  I really hope it will be.  I don't know what more to say.