Temptation

You're asking for it.  And I can't say anything because I am absolutely one hundred percent the same way, but the fact remains.  You're asking for it.  Part of you wants it to happen just as much as I do.  Which is fucked up in and of itself.  I've been swearing more in my posts lately because I've been restraining myself less.  Regardless, it happens, especially given the past week or so.  Anyhow, back to the point.

I don't know what to say.  In large part, that is because I don't know how I feel.  I'm frustrated by this.  How am I supposed to make sense of anything when I have no idea how I feel?  I'm still trying to get over the past couple of days.  I still have no idea what to make of that or where anything stand in light of that.  I feel like I'm so extraordinarily disconnected from absolutely everything.

Playing with people, tempting fate, whatever you want to call it.  That's the game right now.  And it hurts.  I'm sitting here waiting for something to happen.  Then you're going to hurt and I'm going to hurt and we're back in this vicious circle that keeps coming around.  Except that this time I am even more afraid of how much more vicious it might be.  So fine, if that's what has to happen to keep you sane, alright.  But just say it.

There's nothing for me to write here because there's nothing solid in my mind.  I can't turn any of the vague, uncertain thoughts into concrete sentiments and phrases.  I don't know what to say.  I'll take a lot of pain if that helps you, but I'm afraid that you're going to hurt yourself more than you're ever going to hurt me, especially if things continue the way they have been going.

I don't do ultimatums.  I don't believe in un-fixable mistakes (for the most part, anyway).  Please figure it out.  Please stop hurting yourself by way of this.  If you want to look at it a different way, I'm fine with that.  If you want to throw things up in the air, alright.  But if you keep insisting on keeping it as is while not changing anything, there's something wrong.  When you start scheming how to minimize the mistake, I think there are other things that need to be addressed there.  I'm sorry, but I don't want you to keep hurting yourself like this.