Forbidden

I want to write things and I want to spew words and I want to scream.  There are hundreds of thoughts floating through my head that I can't put anywhere, can't say to anyone, sometimes can't even admit to because something about them is wrong in one way or another.  I want to throw things in the metaphorical sense of needing to get certain words, thoughts, phrases, ideas across and into people's minds because I hate leaving things to sit idle like this.

They always tell you not to bottle things up.  Not to let your emotions, frustrations, thoughts, whatever build up until you explode.  But see, everything they do, even saying that, is one more thing that stops you from releasing them and causes everything to be pushed back down.  You can't say x or write y or think z because that means that something is wrong and the world needs to come down around you to make sure that you don't do anything wrong.

Wrong.  I hate that word.  I don't believe in a right or wrong, a definite black or white.  If you ask me, everything is situational, conditional, everything depends on the circumstances surrounding it.  Which is why it bothers me so much when people think they know exactly what's going on and what should happen next even though they have absolutely no idea.

I'm frustrated.  I don't know what to say here or what to write there because everything that's on my mind is forbidden.  It's all something I can't say for any number of reasons.  So now I get to sit here distracting myself with meaningless nonsense in order to avoid legitimately thinking.  Which I hate.  Because it doesn't work.  I'm in the mood to start some big deal, some major fight, just to have something to do, something to think about, somewhere to express the frustration without making everything fall apart.

Unfortunately, I know it's not going to happen.  Very unfortunately.