Cracked

I need to write something.  Anything.  I need to get this out.  And I don't know how.  I have no idea what words to type or which ideas to express.  I don't even know what this even is.  I just know that something isn't right and I feel dreadful because of it.  I don't know what more to say.  I just don't know.  I guess this could be a one-line post, then...simply "I don't know."  That would be sufficient for my thoughts today.

But no, it's not quite that simple.  I feel pathetic and inadequate and incapable and stupid.  What is perhaps worse in this respect is that I know it all to be entirely my own fault.  How I got here I know, what I did to cast myself down into this hole I can recite with perfect clarity and no difficulty whatsoever.  So why am I still here then?  Why have I not dug myself out?  The simple answer to that is "because I am pathetic."  That covers it quite well, because that's pretty much how I feel right now.

To explain it in further detail, I'd have to explain how behind I am on work and how I don't know how to get anything done anymore and how I don't even know how I got into this ridiculous mess except that I do because it was my own fault and I saw it all coming from a thousand miles away.   I have to wonder how much of this is actually even worth anything.  Sure it has its moments.  But on the flip side, do I feel better now or do I feel worse than I did then?  I feel better...but I still feel worse, just in different ways.

Sometimes I still miss that.  I miss hurting by myself.  I miss the individual agony that was only felt by myself.  Is it selfish?  Certainly.  I never denied that, I never much wanted to.  And I'll be perfectly honest.  There are days when this wears on me more heavily than anything else.  There are days when I just want to curl up completely alone, completely separated from the rest of the world, and just spend time with me.  Sometimes I want to be found in those moments, occasionally even saved, other times I don't.  I can't generalize this.  I can't simplify it down to a simple paragraph or even an entire post no matter how long that may be.

But this is what I had in mind when I started writing this post.  It feels like something fundamental is falling to bits.  Like the foundation is slowly cracking and I can feel it moving but can't stop it no matter how hard I try. Or did I give up on trying?  Maybe I did, after all.  Maybe that's why it's all stopped working--because I've stopped putting effort in.  I don't remember how to motivate myself anymore.  Will it get better?  Maybe.  Will I ever get where I should have been looking at the person I was three years ago?  I don't think so.  I had my problems then and I have my problems now and they're completely different.  But that person would have gone further by now than I ever will.

I know that and it hurts.  They all told me I had so much potential.  That was always my strength--potential, coupled with hard work, and people believed that I could do anything.  I wasn't just told this as a child because it was the proper thing to say, I was told this because it was true.  I was one of those rare individuals with a work ethic and an underlying desire to know.  That would have taken me oh so far.  But somewhere in the past few years, the motivation to move forward was replaced with a die-hard will to merely survive at the basic necessary level and the potential went to waste because the depression sapped my desire to work.

So where does that leave me?  It leaves me precisely where I see myself now, with a cracking foundation and a will lost completely long ago to despair.  Is it a biochemical imbalance or a mental failure on a personal level?  I doubt I'll ever know the answer to that question.  But I wonder, I wonder often and never know.  Here I sit then, wondering at questions I will never endeavor to answer, seeking insights that I don't care enough to pursue.  That's what my life has been to reduced to.

Yes, I am pathetic.  It is, after all, only my fault that I don't accomplish anything and that I don't push myself to do more.  That leaves me in this particular position, of breaking only within the sanctuary of my mind and of spilling the shattered pieces of my life into the apathetic internet, not caring whether or not these concerns are ever read.  I don't remember how to really put in effort and then I wonder why I mess everything up...