Thank You

I've had this open for most of the day now, easily 12 hours.  I've fully intended to post and numerous points during that time, but (clearly) haven't gotten around to it until now.  But I guess things have evened out in a way that is actually conducive to writing for once (believe it or not).  I don't know what exactly I want to say or how to say any of it, but I might as well start somewhere, so I guess that would be here and now.

I don't know what set me off.  What started me hurting.  Maybe it was finally getting just enough sleep where things could really start bothering me without being hindered by a fog.  Or maybe it was any number of small things all coming together at once.  Whatever it was, it happened, and the whole day got off on a bad foot, so to speak.  I was frustrated and irritated.  I don't know why, I don't know about what.  All I know is that something somewhere bothered me just enough to set off my nerves and make me upset.

And me being the particularly volatile individual I am, I took that and it spiraled out of control.  First one mildly displeasing thing and then another would collide with this aura of dissatisfaction, magnifying it, causing everything to just get a little bit worse.  Until there I was, writing in other languages "why not?" and meaning it in every worst sense of that phrase.  I don't know why today of all days, I don't know how it came up in my mind.  But it hurt.  It really hurt, and there I was, writing in red ink, wanting more than anything else to not know the answer to that question.

It wasn't really a question to me anyhow.  I was desperate enough though, so I asked.  I asked it of myself and of the world and of anything that would give me an answer.  Even though I didn't need an answer handed to me...I'd known it the whole time.  And then I cracked and broke and collapsed.  And my world fell apart.  And it seemed as though perhaps I was approaching the end...not the one that I had theorized, and yet one that would have led to a suitable apocalypse nonetheless.

Something changed then.  It wasn't me, I don't think.  I still easily spent three hours today crying.  Nothing was fixed, nothing was solved, and there are still questions that remain unanswered that perhaps should have been pursued at the time.  But either way, something clicked.  Everything shifted and things finally started going right.  Sure, it took some time.  It took considerable time and quite a few tears, actually, to finally get there.  Maybe a couple of lies, or perhaps not lies so much as wishes, I'm not sure, but things that certainly didn't seem true.

It worked out.  I don't know how.  I don't know how thoroughly.  I'm fairly certain there are still gaps there that need to be filled and fixed and adjusted and made sense of.  But for the most part, it's definitely better than it was earlier.  So I'm glad of that.  Also, I'm exhausted.  I apologize if this didn't make sense.  I know for a fact it didn't do the situation, emotions, occurrences justice.  But I can't write any more right now.  I'm exhausted.  So I think I'm going to go collapse into bed now and sleep curled around a pillow.  I'll end this how it deserves to be ended, though:

Thank you.  Thank you so much for everything.  Even the things that you don't think matter, really do.  Thank you for being there and doing all of that, and holding me together when I'm not much good at it myself.