I Watched

I watched her dying.  I saw her slowly but steadily killing herself.  She was tearing herself to shreds with anything she could.  Every word was a reason to dig deeper.  Every blade was cause for another cut.  She covered her arms in scars and buried the metal in her skin further and further with each passing day.  I saw her arms too tender to touch, I saw the tissue pressed to fresh wounds to stop the flow of blood, I was her tears, her words, her agonies, written on her arms and in her eyes.

I won't lie.  There were days when I wished death upon her.  Anything that would have lessened the pain she went through that drove her to the desperate ends she hit.  I wish I didn't mean it, but there were times when it would have been easier to watch her die than writhe in agony.  But I couldn't tell her that, I couldn't declare it to the world.  Hell, I could barely admit it to myself, because to wish for death like that, to want to see someone take her life.

Yes, it was selfish.  It was bitter and miserable, and I wanted her to die because it hurt me too much to see her suffer.  I excused it with every selfless reason I could, I told myself that it was because I wanted to see her no longer in pain.  But I am human and selfish and pathetic, so I wanted it because of me, because it hurt me, because I wanted it to bring less pain to me.  So yes, I am in fact a terrible person.

And I can't set this off or argue that it was a matter of circumstance or  misery or pain.  I watched her dying and I wished for her to die so that it wouldn't hurt.  Wouldn't hurt me?  Wouldn't hurt her?  Both, perhaps?  those were bitter months.  I tried to get away from everything and anything then.  I didn't want to think about anything, when her death was the only thing that could penetrate my mind.

So what happened?  What came out of it?  She didn't die, not then at least.  I still talk to her.  She never knew what went through my mind during those months, she didn't know how much it hurt me.  Maybe she never will.  But what happens from here, I cannot know.  We will see.