I'll Be Fine

Alright, I'll admit it.  I'm blatantly stealing ideas for this post.  But that's okay, I don't really mind.  It's something I should say anyway, so I might as well do it while it's on my mind.  The basic gist can be summarized in one sentence:

Yes, I will be fine, but I don't want to be.

I don't want to be fine then.  I've worked hard getting to the point where I know I will be, and god knows I've been preparing for that since before it all began.  But when it does happen, I don't want to be fine.  I want to shatter and break and come crashing down.  Maybe I still want it as an excuse, or maybe it's merely a matter of the significance and not wanting it to feel like nothing in the end.

I just don't want to be okay then.

It's simple, really.  I know that.  I've known that since I began writing this post and maybe even a little bit before.  It's selfish, because I feel that it is my right to not feel fine.  It is my right to fall apart when it happens and not be okay and come back crying and whining and suffering.  Most of me hates that concept, finds it conceited and ridiculous.  But there is still that bit that longs for it as merely an excuse to be upset, and that bothers me.

Curiosity is a bitch.  It makes me want to know things I shouldn't know and understand things that may not be made for me to understand.  But that doesn't discourage me in any way.  I know that even writing this is a passive-aggressive approach toward finding things out, as with most blog posts.  People's questions and reactions allow me a window into their thoughts and feelings, their personal world, which I normally would not be a part of.

So even with that, despite the selfishness of it all, I want to know things.  I want to know what would have happened if I had hung up.  I want to know where I would stand if I had said no or moved away.  I want to know what sort of person I would be had I not known every word of that.  Thus I do the only decent thing I can--I sit here, looking at the world revealed to me and wonder, and try to make sense of it all, and hope to understand any of it.