Solitude

I don't know what to say anymore.  The power of words has escaped me.  The capacity to think, no less, has likewise made its exit from the scene.  And I wonder if there's even any reason why I still am where I currently am.  I have a feeling it's entirely a matter of habit.  It's easy to maintain something when it is familiar and comfortable and altogether simple.

Maybe that's what I'm doing here, with this blog.  I'm just rambling on, filling in pages, putting down empty words that no longer mean anything because it's easier to do that than let it go.  The last post (before this one, I mean) was number 400.  That's right.  I've written four hundred posts, from that two-liner to images with text to various rambling entities consisting of poorly-expressed emotion and barely-restrained impulses.

So even though everything is holding together quite well, I can't help but feel as though it's all steadily falling apart.  Maybe I'm just not used to this much stability, or perhaps it's a matter of entropy perpetually taking the world along its course, but it seems too quiet, too peaceful, too still to last.  And I don't know what to do with it.  It's frustrating.

I mean, really.  When's the last time I wrote a really good post?  Not just one that put down emotions or told a story, or related information about me or life or anyone or anything.  When was the last time I wrote something that really meant something, that mattered, that dug into the soul and made it yearn?  I know I've written that way before, I might even be able to find a couple of posts among the 400 that express that.

But now?  It's been ages since I've really done anything that powerful.  And for no good reason at all, I feel like I'm sitting in this sphere of myself, trying to pretend the world doesn't exist for any reason or no reason at all.  I'm not in a bad mood at all, but I just want to forget.  I want it all to no longer matter.  I want to remember why it was I became this person in the first place.  Then again, I say that as though I know who that person actually is or was, and that in itself is dubious.

I want to change something in this blog.  I want to add a new page...but I don't know what I'd write there.  I want to change the design...but I don't know what I'd put in place of this.  Maybe that's what it all comes down to.  I'm restless.  I want change.  I want something, anything, to happen, I'm willing to do something...but I just don't know what.  For those who know me, I'm open to ideas on such things, as always, so if you have something, just let me know, I'll be glad to hear it.