Survival

The most difficult thing right now is just getting by.  It's not hard to be happy, nor to work hard.  It's not knowing that bothers me most.  Not knowing what's going to happen or how long until something either falls apart or messes up or I find myself lost.  I'm in a really good mood.  Certainly, I'm tired, I have a lot of work, and there's a good bit of stress weighing on me right now.

But I'm in a good mood.  I'm happy.  It's been a lovely night.  And by lovely I mean truly lovely.  I had fun.  It's really hard to avoid dreading things sometimes.  This place, generally, I think, is what weighs on me a lot of the time.  It's exhausting and terrifying sometimes.  This probably doesn't make any sense, I don't much care right now, I'm just writing right now.

My mind is elsewhere, honestly.  I'm thinking about other things.  I am reflecting on the way my night has been, the way tomorrow will be, how I will survive the rest of the week, what will happen over the weekend.  I've always been caught up in such things.  I think about the past and the future much more than I think of the present.  It's easier for me because the present is fleeting and only really there for a moment.

The past and the future--one got us where we are and the other takes us where we're going.  That occupies my thought process quite often.  It's interesting to me, it's easier to focus on those which seem to matter more.  Sometimes I forget the present.  Tonight was not one of those nights until recently.  They usually get back there later in time.  But tonight was throughly enjoyable.  I got to forget the things that usually cause me to worry.  And that was nice.  I'm glad of that.

So thank you for that.  Thank you for letting me get past it and forget sometimes.