Her

I once wrote something titled this same way.  I wrote about her and said things that nobody else would ever know.  Indeed, to this day, nobody has yet read that page.  I doubt that anybody ever will.  I've written a few blog posts about her already, so if you know me really damn well and have particularly good intuition, you might be able to understand.  But this one isn't about her.  This post is about someone else, someone I have in fact also written a couple of posts about, but in far from the same context, expressing far from the same things.  From here forward, "her" refers to one individual, and not the one I wrote about a year and a half ago, for those to whom this makes any sense.

I am curious.  This is a commonly known fact by now, among those who are my closest friends.  One may go so far as to say that I am obsessive and creepy.  If nothing else, this compulsion toward inquiry is thoroughly well manifested in the inspiration for this blog.  I want to know her.  I want to know who she is and who she was.  Part of me would prefer the latter, to come to understand what set her aside then, why she played the role she did, how she was where she was in her life.

To an extent, I feel bad about this.  I, who from years of experience and bitterness have learned not to dwell on the past, seeking to understand it more than I do the present.  But that's not all that influences the desire to know more of her in the present.  I want to know who she is, I want to know the role she plays in this world. I want to know everything and anything about her, her thoughts, her feelings, who she is and why she is so.  

I've never so much as met her.  I've never exchanged words with her in real life or even in real time.  And the sum total of words we have exchanged at all probably numbers under a hundred.  So why is it that I want to know so badly?  Because even though I've never interacted with her directly, she has changed in so many ways the course of my life.  And anyone who has that much influence on me, directly or otherwise, is going to take up a significant portion of my mind, is going to lead me to excessive curiosity and perhaps even extraordinarily creepy mannerisms.

I wonder what I'm trying to get out of this.  Because at the same time as I am curious, I don't have anything to say to her.  I don't know that I have any more words to exchange.  I'm more curious as to what she could say of me, what she thinks of me...but that's a ridiculous curiosity and an entirely irrational desire to know.  And yet, this is how I am curious.  I am writing now because I found these thoughts running through my mind.  I wanted to put them down, to put into words what could be clearly articulated and made sense of in letters on a contrasting background.

Part of me wants her to read this.  Part of me fears that possible outcome, knowing full well the chances.  I don't know what more to say.  I don't know what I'm looking for.  I just know that this was in my mind and something compelled me to write.  So here I am, writing.  I learned a while back now that things don't always go well, in fact they often don't.  Words often mean things we don't want them to or are perceived in ways that we had hoped could be avoided.  But it happens.  And on the whole, I've learned that there are risks that have no severely negative consequences for me, that cannot break me or shatter me, that can lead to interesting things or may fizzle out and fall flat.

This is one of those.  I don't know what I hope to gain, if anything, by writing this.  I've repeated this several times already and I'm going to say it again: I don't know why I'm writing this, except that I felt compelled to, I wanted to.  So here I am, typing these thoughts out, preparing to post them and see if anything comes of this.  If something does, wonderful.  If not, I am no worse off than I was before.  This blog has always been about my true and honest thoughts.  Right now, this is it--the fragments of curiosity running through my mind and melding into words and phrases.  Enjoy, perhaps?  If not, then my apologies.