Fixing Things

Have I written a post under this title before?  I don't know.  I feel like I have.  I probably have.  I don't really care.  You told me to write about "fixing things" so that's what I'll title the post.  Now I have to figure out what I actually want to say about it.  I'll start by restating what I've already mentioned, if not in here at least elsewhere: every time I fix something, it seems that I find something else to mess up. 

That's been the case without exception.  It has characterized the way things have gone between us for the past however-many months.  I mess up.  We both fall apart.  We patch it up, maybe change small things and fix some cracks, then go back to a blissful reality.  Then I mess up something else.  And just as we fix it, it feels like everything is going to be good and we're going to be okay.  Then before we know it, something falls apart again and it's not something I'd even thought about.  Tells you how observant I am, right?  I hope everyone realized the phrase was laden with sarcasm.

She's right after all.  Every time she responds to something like that, she's right.  Every time she points out my failures or shortcomings or issues, she's right.  That's the problem.  No, no it's really not and I know that.  The problem is that I don't know how to spot these issues before they blow up in our faces or that I keep letting my issues get in the way of anything working because I suck at this.  I don't know how to do it.  And maybe it's this place or maybe it's not but it hurts.  It hurts knowing that I keep failing at this. 

So how do I fix it?  It feels like every time something works better, it just ends up getting worse after a couple of weeks.  I don't know what to do.  And I'm bad at this.  And that hurts.  What's possibly worst is that I really don't have a clue what to do about it.  I would do anything right now if I could or if it would help.  But I just don't know what or how.  I keep getting better at this or at that or making more sense of one thing or another but then everything else falls apart because in being so busy trying to fix one thing, I messed up everything else. 

The fact that I can't fix it now only further suggests to me that it's not something that can be fixed, or is supposed to be fixed and that bothers me.  You'd think that love and caring and willingness would be enough, but if current trends are any indication, none of that is enough.  So what the hell is?  Tell me and I'll do it, I'll figure it out, I'll make it work.  But right now I'm just utterly frustrated because I really don't know.  Or maybe I'm too goddamn stupid to figure it out.  Either way, I'm not making it work.  And it really hurts.  And I hate how much it's hurting you.  I'm sorry.