Promises

I promised myself that after that, I would get better.  I would learn things.  I wouldn't go with things just because or try to make them work when they weren't working.  I got better at that.  I made enough mistakes that now I know how to avoid those specific errors that I encountered.  The thing about making mistakes is once you've made them once, you at least know what to avoid.  But when you're so carefully avoiding those, you fall into other traps, you make other mistakes, you come across other pitfalls you didn't know existed.  And who knows...maybe these are so much worse than the ones you just got out of.

I was supposed to learn to respect myself.  It's always something I've had issues with, like the whole self-confidence deal, but it was manageable.  Then two years ago happened.  Two years ago tore me apart.  It was a bad relationship.  I knew that at least on a subconscious level.  I didn't let it register because it was changing and I was trying new things and it felt like a worthwhile experience.  So I blocked out every reason to not be there.  We all know where I ended up as a result of that, because those who know me still see me picking up the pieces from that even today.

The thing that really bothers me about this is that I'm in a different place now.  I know what I should do.  I know what everyone's advice to someone in this situation would be.  I know it's the same advice I'd give to anyone who asked.  But as usual, I'm not taking my own advice.  I know it's stupid.  I'm hoping for something to get better even though I don't think it's going to happen.  I said at the very beginning of this that I'm going to be a person who does deserve better.  I have it in writing.  And because I'm just taking it, that goes to show that nothing's really changed.  That I'm not any better than I was two years ago.

I need something here.  I'm grasping at straws.  I've got a few reasons not to end this:

1. I love you
2. It would break you

Or maybe it would break me.  But I really don't think so.  I think one of the things that has changed from two years ago is that I'm strong enough to make it on my own.  I have a path in front of me and I know what it takes to follow it.  I don't need anyone holding me up along the way.  That was unrelated.  In any case...I have significantly more reasons to end it right now.  One of those being that bit of advice that I would give to anyone in my position.

I know it's foolish of me.  That doesn't help the situation though.  Going in with open eyes will only make it turn out more bitter in the long run.  You asked me a year ago if I believe in second chances.  I said I didn't know because I've never been in positions to grant or be granted such opportunities.  Now I am.  So I know the answer to that question.

I do believe in second chances.  And third.  And fourth.  I may spend my days lamenting about the faults of humanity, but in the end, I'm willing to let people try again.  I'm not trying to be all high and mighty and I-have-power-over-you right now.  I'm just throwing my thoughts at a page.  I'm going to keep giving you chances, even if you keep messing them up.  But you know as well as I do that my faith in humanity is tenuous at best.  So please, don't make me question it again.  Don't give me another reason to listen to my own advice.  I have enough already.