People

I suck at people.  I know that doesn't really make grammatical sense unless you're thinking of graphic physical sucking actions, which are as far as anything else I had in mind in writing that sentence.  I guess I should actually explain that then, shouldn't I?  I suck at everything involving people.  I have problems talking to them, getting to know them, maintaining relationships of any sort with them.  I generally have issues when it comes to people.  It's simple as that.

I'm an introvert.  I always have been.  And I can't say I really mind that.  I like solitude and quiet and only small groups of people at a time.  So I guess it makes sense then that I don't have the best time with people or am particularly comfortable dealing with them.  But the fact remains that this continues to make me feel inadequate.  I hardly ever stay in contact with people after I leave a given place or stage in my life.  I'm afraid of starting conversations.  I don't know how to approach someone who interests me in any way.

Normally, that probably wouldn't bother me.  The thing is that I'm friends with enough extroverts or people who otherwise have good abilities in dealing with people that this becomes noticeable to me and I feel pathetic.  I don't know how to bring myself to just start a conversation with someone about anything.  I don't know how to come up with conversational topics of any sort and avoid conversations generally to stay away from the associated awkwardness.  I don't know how to become acquainted with people in person or otherwise because I run out of things to talk about and feel awkward in the intervening silence.

I don't know how to talk to people.  That's what it comes down to.  I'm not comfortable getting closer to them because I've never really learned any good ways to do that, so the process has always left me flustered and nervous.  And now that my friends are either looking forward to the future or talking to new people and getting to know them, I find myself left behind.  I've always hated that feeling in and of itself, but it's particularly painful when everyone around me seems to have no issues with it whatsoever.

So yes, I'm jealous.  I'm much more jealous than I generally try to let on.  And because this is my blog, my collection of private thoughts, I am allowed to put that here, regardless of who does or doesn't read it.  Frankly, I'm not in the mood to to tell petty lies right now anyway.  This is what you get when you want the truth.  You get it straight out of my thought process.  Just the way it comes out.  Sorry if it hurts, but truth is what it is.  Enjoy.