Throw

I don't know what to call this.  Arguably it could be referred to as apathy.  But apathy isn't this active.  Then again, neither am I.  I have the strong desire to go outside and shatter glass.  To watch that shower of crystal bounce back from the point of impact.  I want to see it break.  Or maybe that's just a physical metaphor I am applying to what is very solidly an emotional desire.  Fine.  I'll assume this to be correct (no guarantees whether it is or not) and run with it.

I want to break something.  Something metaphysical.  I want to mess something up.  I want to see something shatter.  I don't care if it's by my hand, but I feel almost compelled to do it myself if some other force doesn't.  I'm frustrated by the stasis.  Right now, it's just a matter of having to literally just get by for the next two months.  I hate thinking about just getting by.  I hate realizing everything I cannot do.  I hate knowing that if I slip up, it's all over.  Again, perhaps not literally, but I'm taking it and running wherever my mind takes me.

I want something else to think about.  Something entirely different.  Something to change things up.  To a point, I want drama.  Not my own, but someone I'm close to.  I want her to lose it a little bit.  I want him to do something utterly ridiculous.  I want them to be afraid of something terrrible.  Anything.  I don't care what it is or who, but I just need something to take my mind off of the waiting.  I need someone close to me to have an intimate personal crisis so that I can help them with it.

I can't work.  I can't focus.  I'm sleeping later than I ever have and it's not because I've been staying up late.  I'm restless and completely unable to concentrate.  I'm afraid to drive because I can't seem to make anything focus in my field of vision long enough to be confident in my driving abilities, which I know to be damn decent.  It feels like a fever without the raised temperature.  I'm restless and twitchy and completely caught up in this nonsense. 

I like it when those close to me have something they ask me to help with because it means I have something to focus on exclusively.  Everything else just goes by then.  All of the work somehow gets done in the intervening moments, and before I know it, the months are gone.  I just need a distraction.  Maybe even a personal project, but it needs to be urgent and I need to be passionate about it and it can't be at all related to anything I need to get done because then it's never going to happen. 

That's how I got by through the entirety of last year.  I was worried about x and y in someone else's life.  I had things to focus on that were unrelated to things that needed to get done and everything that needed to get finished was.  Unfortunately, I don't have that distraction this year.  Maybe that's why I'm hoping it gets broken.  I need something to think about.  And I know that of all things to break that's the wrong one, but it's so tempting and it shouldn't be.  I'm so sorry.