I don't know. I'm writing this for a reason. Otherwise I really don't think I'd have written this post so early today (given that I don't remember the last time I wrote anything before 10 or 11 pm). Except that I don't know how to phrase this. And I'm still flustered. Because it's really not hard to fluster me at all. Two nights ago, I said something to the effect of "now you know something that most people don't...that it's really, really easy to hurt me, but it's really, really hard to see it unless I let you."
Well, it's not just a matter of hurting me. It's a matter of having any effect on me at all. One of those is causing a reaction. Things often hit me hard. Harder than they should. Even if people read this, I'm fine with writing that...I know that the few people I don't want to see this would never know if it was me. But now I'm just waffling around everything and relying on tangents because I don't know how to start and I don't even know what to say.
For one thing, I was an idiot to read it in the middle of the day. I'm flustered. I don't even really, concretely know what that word means, but I'm fairly certain it applies here. I don't know why things that people write have that effect on me. Never things they say, always things they write. So now again I can't write because I'm stuck at trying to figure out what to actually say and what I'm afraid to say. Which ultimately just further proves the point.
I don't like letters. The problem with letters is that they encourage a form of communication that dies down. It's too easy for them to fade away. For one person or the other or both to find that they are too tired or don't have enough time and that maybe they'd do it later. And this is practically a letter. By which I mean I'm trying to write a letter but I'm afraid to address it any given way, so I write it in an open way, as a blog post. Because I am rather a wreck right now and not at all capable of drawing conclusions.
I have plenty more to say but I'm not going to say it. While I love to fancy myself as strong and capable and all that, I know that not to be the case. Not when it comes to people. For no good reason at all, I have too much on my mind to sort through. It's one of those "I'm fine, really" moments, where as soon as I say it I start to doubt it. So I don't know. This didn't get anywhere. I failed at writing it for the very purpose I started. Maybe I'll be able to say more later, maybe I won't.
And maybe it hasn't been futile. Maybe it has showed me things about myself that I had previously forgotten. I'm drowning in music right now and about to cry. And I don't know why. This world doesn't feel real. Maybe it's because I have a fever, although I didn't think I did. Or maybe it's something more, maybe I'm starting to realize that I'm less alright than I always claim to be, and maybe I really do just need something to change in a way that it hasn't. But hell, I'm probably wrong. It's probably just because I'm sleep-deprived. I don't know which side of this to believe now. So I give up.
As an aside, the title is completely inappropriate for this post but reflects more closely on what I intended to say, so I'm keeping it as is. Maybe I'll write something better later. I really hope I do.
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