Fixing

Ignorance is bliss, they often say.  I haven't often been a fan of that statement, although my opinions on it have in fact gone back and forth quite a bit.  Regardless, it has never had my full agreement.  It still doesn't. With one possible exception, that being my own health.  Because there are some things concerning that aspect of my life that I really would rather not know.

One such thing would just happen to be my recent investigation into the nature of sleep deprivation.  Yes, the health consequences of such endeavors as mine with regard to lack of sleep, late nights, and oddly pleasant conversations (despite the lack of coherent thought) are thoroughly horrifying.  This is in fact one of those things that I do not in the least want to know.

Unfortunately, I am now aware of these terrifying things.  Most anyone in their right mind would take this horror into account and react particularly appropriately, namely by getting more sleep, getting their sorry asses to bed early, whatever it took.  However, in part because of this sleep deprivation itself, in part because I am just that far from sane, I am not likely to do any of those things.  Even though I really should.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely certain (not the least bit certain, in all actuality) why this isn't going to happen.  But I know that it should.  I need to fix this.  Fixing my sleep is undoubtedly one of the first steps to fixing me, and that's something I've been meaning to get around to for a significant while now.  Maybe I'll wind up succeeding at some point, maybe I'll get my sleep schedule back to normal.  That would all be very nice, but at the same time, I'm going to maintain a sense of realism and come to understand that maybe I won't.

Then again, the question arises of what it is I even mean by the concept of fixing myself.  I've used that phrase more than once, fairly often, in fact, without ever having clearly defined what it means, even to me.  I'm not entirely certain what it is specifically that I'm trying to fix here.  I don't know how to exactly explain it in the least.  All I know is that I've been so much better than this--I've felt physically, mentally, and emotionally better, I've been better as a person, too.  What it comes down to is that I want to make myself better in all of those ways again.

I'm tired of drowning in pain, fear, stress, depression.  I need some way of getting above and beyond that, and I'm working on it.  I don't know that there is any sort of final measure of progress or of success.  This is all merely opinion and feeling so there's no scientific, quantitative way of making a judgment as I would most desire.  As it stands, I will have to live with things as they are, figure it out and adjust as I go, react based on things as they happen.  I'm not much good at that, I know I haven't been in a while (if I ever was), but I'm working on it.  I'm hoping that I'm slowly but steadily getting there.