Forget

Sometimes I just want to forget.  I don't want to remember.  There are days when I wish the past didn't exist...either because it hurt me or because it made me smile or because I wish it never existed or because I wish I still had now what I had then.  I don't know why this occurs to me know.  I can't think of what it is that I want to forget, or why I don't want to remember.  And yet..the gnawing is there again.  It probably has something to do with how overwhelmed I've felt on occasion recently.

On the other end of the spectrum, there are the days when I don't want to know the future.  I don't want to have to think about what happens next, or where I'm going to be in a matter of time, or anything.  I want to pretend that there will be no future, that I won't have to deal with it, that I can get away with not doing it.  I miss simplicity.  I know that it does not exist, it never has been this simple nor will it ever be.  That's frustrating to me. The sleep-deprivation has pushed me to the point of confusion, to misunderstanding, to the point where I want to disappear.

And in that way, I want to avoid even what is before me now, the present.  I don't want to realize where I am or what I'm doing in this moment.  I don't want the sensory input, I don't want the electromagnetic signals that relay thoughts and emotions in my brain.  I want it all to fade, to fall away.  Certainly, in large part that is due to the fact that I am exhausted.  It's made everything more messy and convoluted.  I can't think as clearly, and emotions are exaggerated as a result.

I want to disappear.  I don't feel bad, I'm not in a terrible mood.  I just need a break.  I'm tired and frustrated, to an extent.  I've reached the point where I don't entirely understand exactly how I feel or what's going on around me.  I wish I could write something more reasonable, I wish I could make sense of everything flying around in my mind and my life and everything else...but I can't.  I just want to fade.  To disappear.