One

Nights like tonight, when the rain starts to fall, begins to hit the glass of the windows and obscures the world around me, these are the nights when I miss you the most.  It terrifies me.  It scares me because this is the most honest confession I've written in a while and I don't know when I'm going to write another like it.  Maybe this is what I still need to keep this blog alive for--these few small moments when I need it to put down my thoughts, to reveal my secrets, to tell the deepest stories of my heart.  Because that's what I want to do right now.  Somewhere along the way, I learned how to admit that I was scared.  This writing, this is me admitting it.

When you hold me, the rest of the world fades.  I close my eyes and block out everything else and lose myself in your embrace because in that moment, there is nothing I would rather do.  In that moment, you are everything to me.  And when you press your body against mine, when I feel the warmth of another human being so close to me, so strong and yet so gentle, I pull myself as close as I can.  I shut out everything else until there is no you or me anymore, until it is just us.  I wait until I don't know where I start and you end, until we have become one and I have lost myself in you and nothing else matters.

I wrote a couple of months back in the private recesses of my computer where nobody else would find it, that if nothing else, this place has taught me to love, to love unconditionally.  But I was wrong.  Because I realize now what I didn't know then--that there is no such love that is unconditional.  There are always conditions.  Most often, they demand love in return, perhaps not so boldly, but always to the same effect: to be loved.  Yet that is not my condition.  It never has been, as I've always been one quite closely drawn to unrequited affection.

My condition is to be allowed to love.  So when you hold me as you do and smile, it means I am allowed to melt and to forget.  And when you need a hug, it means that I can hold you and promise you it's going to be alright.  This is where I was when you held your arms around me and asked about my thoughts.  Because I was wildly crashing, veering, falling, drowning in love, and I don't know how to explain that in these things called words.

And now, when the thunder rolled across the sky and left me staring out into the dark, I wonder where you are.  I want to know if you heard that, and if you did, did you think of me?  Did you think of me like I think of you in every moment of every day in every small action and fraction of a moment?  This is why I am afraid.  I've heard it said that there is no such thing as loving too much.  I'd like to believe that, but in the unfortunate case it is not true, I'll have to resign myself to the fact that I really do love you too much.  Because I hardly ever go a minute without thinking of you and I don't know how to live with that, especially when you're not there.

Amidst this silence that blankets the world around me, I am lost.  I'm lost in myself and I'm lost in you, but you're not here and I'm not whole.  You are everything to me.  Cliche and simple as that may be, it's how I feel.  And I'm afraid.  I can live without you, I've built myself up to be that strong, but I never want to go a day in my life without seeing you happy, without watching you smile.  So when I say that you mean everything to me, know that I really do mean everything.  That this is everything I want.  That when I'm in your arms I never want to be anywhere else.

Because of you, I've learned to really live.  If I could make you half as happy as you have made me, everything that I have given up and everything that has hurt me and everything that has broken me will have been more than worth it.  You deserve more than that, you deserve every happiness that life can give you, and I only hope I can give you any part of that.  Call this the depraved rantings of a hopeless romantic, call it the fatigued musings of a cynic led astray, but this is what I feel.  This is my thought, this is my breath, this is my love.  All of it, right here for you.