Today was a good day. It was a really good day. It was one of those days when it was nice to just let everything go and forget the world for a bit and make sense of something. Or if not make sense of it, at least be alright with it for once. And it worked pretty damn well. Then I decided to turn my computer back on. Of course, that's when things decided to go bad.
Why does it have to be such nonsense? Why did it have to be today of all days? I don't know what it is. This just ruined my mood and everything else. It didn't completely ruin it, but just set me on that odd edge that I thought I had finally gotten off of. That's the most frustrating thing about it. I just started to calm down...and then this had to happen.
I needed today to be the way it was. And then, of course, this had to fall out of the sky and mess everything up. I'm just trying to make sense of everything, to hold my life together, to keep it all from falling apart. This just set back everything that I had accomplished earlier in the day. That's really frustrating to me right now. I don't understand why it bothers me as much as it does, but it sure as hell isn't what I needed.
Even as I write this, I find myself calming down a bit. Maybe that's what I need. Just to write, just to put it all down and channel it out of myself. My eyes are closed, my breathing is stilling even as I type out each word, each syllable gets put down into text on a contrasting background. Alright, this may be not what I wanted or needed today, but it happened. Now all I can do is deal with it.
If nothing more, this here tells me that I really am getting better. If it's fading this quickly already. If I'm able to set it behind me and figure out something to make the remainder of this work, I'm coming to understand that maybe after all I will be okay. It's still a bit hard. I still want something to make me absolutely forget. But it's getting better. It's not the panic and agony that's torn at me for nights on end in the past over other occurrences.
I'm glad of that. This is far from the worst thing that could have happened to me. I could have had much bigger incidents occur. Hell, I have had worse things happen. This is my deep breath. This is my escape. This is the night that reminds me why I still write, why I still blog, why I still bother. I need this sometimes. Tonight is one of those nights.
So right now, as I sit here calming myself down, coming to terms with my life at present, observing carefully where I need to make a couple of adjustments, and just letting it all slip away, I know I'll be okay. Maybe not right now, maybe not tomorrow, but I'll come to terms with it, I'll make sense of it, I'll survive. It will all get better. It will.
Maybe I'm saying it, or rather thinking it and writing it only to make myself believe it. Then so be it. This is what I need right now. This is how I'm fixing myself, how I'm making it work, making it better, hopefully. Maybe I don't completely believe it, maybe it isn't really true, but I'm trying. I'm really, honestly trying to make it all alright. Here's hoping it will be.
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