Hurt

This hurts.  Yes, this.  Yes, again.  Only this time I'm not going to apologize.  I'm writing it here because I don't want to have a discussion of it or an analysis of my goddamn messed up emotions one more time.  It's all been covered before.  All conversation on the topic, thus, is superfluous.  Which is why this isn't a conversation but rather a blog post.  All I want is an acknowledgment of this emotion because supposedly you wanted to know (which in itself is a rant for another day).

I don't know why it bothers me as much as it does.  In part, it inevitably goes back to the fact that things seem to be reversed.  Last year I was stable, I was holding everything together, and suddenly this year I am the mess, the nonsense, the incapable, the one who can't get work done and is constantly falling behind.  That is an accurate description of me right now, is it not?  Going back through blog posts, looking at things I've said and done...it's obvious.  I can't hold myself together anymore.  I don't know why, I don't know how.  All I know is that somehow, it happened; somehow, I am now incapable of life.

So here I am, hurting over something that shouldn't hurt, shouldn't even affect me in the least.  But nope, it hurts. And I can't explain it.  Between attempting to distract myself and hoping that something changes, in a way, I'm forgetting it already.  By writing it out and putting it into words, it's not cutting into me as deeply.  In fact, I find myself struggling to write this, rapidly running out of things to say.  In a way, it's because I've said it all before and don't find it worthy of repetition.  But in another sense, it's because there's not much to express about it, and because that frustration itself is fading.

I can't really control the way I feel.  There's a rather finite limit to where willpower will get you, and things like depression, mood swings, and the influences of people will put even firmer bounds on the happiness you can achieve.  I can pretend to be happy for a good bit before I lose that ability.  But you said you don't want me to pretend.  So fine, I'm not.  Here I am, not pretending, being hurt by nothing at all, left with nothing to say, wondering why the hell I'm still here.  In every sense of that word.  Enjoy.