Yet Again

Oops.  So guess who forgot to blog at a reasonable hour again today?  Yeah, that would be me.  Again.  And I keep saying that I should stop doing this, but it hasn't actually happened yet.  Well then.  I guess I'll have to do something about that.  Alas, yet again, I'm trying to pull off a post with no real thought behind it.  But I'll try to make most of this convey some meaning...

Tomorrow, I'm getting dragged away again.  Dragging me away implies a lot of metaphorical kicking and screaming.  Which is pretty accurate.  Metaphorically.  Because in actuality, I will smile, and laugh, and listen to cute stories about my dog and make appropriate soft noises to convey how charmed I am by his mannerisms and all that lovely lovely nonsense which I so dislike.

But that's what I do.  I don't exactly have a choice in the matter, so I might as well endeavor to make the process as painless as possible.  It's only a couple of days, after all.  I've survived worse.  I've been away for longer and more isolated from what has effectively become my world.  The thought of being gone for even this short a span of time is odd though.  I'm not used to it.  I've been here for over a month now with very few interruptions.  I don't want to have everything halted and be forced to restart again after a couple of days of so-called rest that is really just additional hell.

In thinking about this though, it hit me that after the end of this, it's really going to be the end.  It's going to be goodbye for good.  I'm never going to see some of these people again.  I'm going to have to go on with my life without those who have maintained it for a number of years now.  I don't know how to do that.  I don't know how to live without these people anymore, without the friends I've made or the incredible family I've encountered.  That's really hard to think about right now.

I don't know what's going to happen.  Will it be the end of that, too?  Will I attempt to cherish it on false hope regardless?  Or will I try my hardest to make it all go away, to forget that any of it ever happened?  I really hope it's not the latter option.  After a night like tonight, I don't know what I'm going to do.  It felt like a weekend.  I wasn't overloaded with work (or didn't feel like I was, at least).  It felt like it did last year--simple and close and wonderful and something I never want to leave or forget.

How am I ever supposed to just leave it all behind?  How do I walk away from something that has meant everything to me for years?  How do I let go of someone I don't want to ever live without?  Or perhaps I am most afraid of changing into someone for whom this doesn't matter.  Who doesn't care about this place and everything it has instilled in me.  Who can look back and sneer at the emotions that are so poignant now, and shrug them off as though they were nothing.

I don't know how to do this.
I am afraid.