Pathetic

Apologies, I think I'm back on this streak.  I don't know what to say anymore.  I don't know how to maintain conversations or how to come up with things to talk about or how to ask questions.  And while I don't mind silence, I do very much object to my own failure at talking to people.  That is frustrating to me.  Because I hate that just about every day, I sit there and don't have any clue what to say.

I am an introvert.  I haven't been much of a talker since I was fairly young.  But it has reached this point that is absolutely ridiculous.  I just don't have anything to say.  And that makes me feel pathetic.  What the hell do people talk about?  I don't even know anymore.  I don't know how to keep a conversation going or come up with something to talk about.  Maybe I'm just sick of thinking, or maybe I'm just that much of a goddamn failure at life that I can't speak.

Either way, here I am, feeling pathetic again.  Pathetic and bitter.  I wonder why I even bother trying anymore.  At this rate, it would be easier to curl up in my own abode and disappear from the rest of the world.  It's not like I have anything to contribute anyhow.  And yes, this is bitter and pessimistic and irrational and I don't give a damn right now.

Last night I realized that the only reason I didn't apply was because I was fairly certain that I wouldn't get anything anyway.  Damn.  That thing called self-confidence is entirely lacking here, and with it has gone all of my motivation to do anything at all.  So here I am, letting everything slip by, feeling too miserable to bother trying, not miserable enough to bother making a change.