Evenings and Pains

It's been a long day.  I don't know how many posts I've started with that line by now and I don't really care.  The fact is, it's true.  It has been.  It's been up and down and all over the place, and I'm not entirely certain what I think of it anymore, to be perfectly honest.  I give up.  I don't want to think right now.  My brain is dead.  I have no excitement left.  Simply anticipation.  Anticipation because I need this to start already. 

I went out into the snow today.  Late at night.  After everyone else was indoors.  I theoretically had an obligation to do so.  I could have gotten out of it, though.  But I didn't.  I went ahead anyway.  And I took my sweet time about it.  In the weather hovering right below freezing, with the cold, white powder floating down around me, blissfully leaving a blanket over my face, my hair, my clothing.  It's been a while.  It's been a while since I've been outside, a while since I've been quiet, a while since I've been alone. 

And that makes me wonder, and it makes me scared, and it makes me hate myself and everything in the world in general.  I don't want to admit it, but it's true.  Even if it hurts, this blog wasn't created to avoid pain.  I think I'm back to the same mood I was in when I started it, the point where I need to put something down, just spill out the truth in writing because the words just don't work for me in speech. 

I give up.  I don't want to think about it anymore.  I don't know what it is.  I don't care.  I'm tired.  I don't want to think, at all.  And I'm hitting the point where I just don't give a damn.  I haven't been there in a while.  I know it's not a good place to go.  No, I stand corrected.  I do still give a damn.  I know I care because of the pain and the tears and the wanting to forget and wanting to run and wanting to stay and hurting and crying and not being able to move because it hurts too much even though that's the one thing that might make it better.

I had to stand there and watch.  I do mean watch, not just listen to, because I saw it move.  That hurt.  It's been worse, but it's also been better.  Then again, maybe it needed to be worse only because it's been a while.  But I couldn't move.  I couldn't.  I was frozen.  And maybe I messed up then, maybe it was my fault.  I said this at the beginning and I'll say it again, I hurt too, I have needs too.  In a different setting, I would be willing to put all of that aside.  In a different setting, I was willing to put it all aside, I did.  But this is different.  In a way, this was a promise to me, a promise that it wouldn't all fall on me.

I won't place blame because there is none to place.  I'm more than happy with things as they are, more than willing to take the burden, to help where I can, to do anything I can.  But I have limits too, and I have needs, and I need that to be understood if nothing more.  So I'm sorry.  I'm sorry I can't do more.  I'm sorry I can't fix things.  And most of all, I'm sorry for anything and everything that's ever hurt, especially because of me.