In the Beginning

"The beginning is probably easier to follow...I actually wrote complete posts back then"
Didn't we all?

The past few days have been oddly nostalgic for me.  Both for things I have personally experienced and things I haven't.  I'm not sure how the latter is really possible.  It's not actually nostalgia if you have never experienced it, is it?  But there's some feeling there, definitely, and it sure as hell feels like nostalgia, even if it isn't, so that's what I'm going to call it, for lack of a better word.

In part, I am brought back to where I was a year ago.  How it was different from this.  How there was less panic and fear and paranoia and how it was all somehow so much easier.  And yet at the same time I can't say I miss the hurt, the heartbreak, the brokenness.  There were days when I would cry without stopping and not be able to explain why becasue I didn't want to cause others pain.  I don't necessarily miss those.  No matter how comfortable and familiar those feelings became, they are not ones I would willingly return to. 

On the other hand, I miss this place as it was ten years ago.  I wasn't here then.  I didn't know it.  But a fairly large part of me is absolutely convinced that I would have liked it so much more than I do now.  No goddamn stupid restrictions that are worthless, no ridiculous rules and regulations and pure nonsense, and a lot more of an opportunity to have an impact, to belong to something bigger than me, to find passion.  I never knew it as it was then, but those who did tell me I'd have fit in more than I do now, that I would have enjoyed it more than this.  I can't help but believe them, because from what I've seen and heard, it's true.

So is the world really all going downhill or have I simply reached the age where it all appears to be following that downward trend?  I am a pessimist in most circumstances.  There is no denying that.  But I can't help but wonder if this doesn't stretch beyond my usual pessimism into an actual decline.  I've heard many individuals significantly older than me constantly bemoaning modernity and futuristic advances.  Am I becoming one of them?  Is this what making one's own way in the world is really about?  Because if it is, that's sad.  And I don't know how to change it.