Day 1

It occurs to me that titling a post this was is an indication that I'm going to number every day this year and title all of my posts this way.  I assure you, that's not the case.  I'm still trying to figure out if this morning consists of a fresh start to me at all or if it is nothing new.  I'm trying to figure out if I acted differently or if I would have followed the same course some time ago.  And I'd say blame it on it having been three in the morning and the alcohol in my system, except that there wasn't enough alcohol to affect me and 3 am has become normal for me.

They say that how you see in the New Year is how you will spend it.  I think I may have very well written that same exact sentence, or at least something damn close a year ago.  Regardless, moving on with this post.  At midnight, I was happy, I was excited, I was hopeful.  I was slightly fearful, no sense in lying to myself about that. So hopefully that's how I'll spend the year.  And then from one to four, it all went straight to hell.  That there is not how I want to spend my year--hurting and frustrated and not knowing how to fix it.

I think I'm going to attribute this morning to exhaustion and flaws in self-censorship.  I'm hoping that's for the better.  Then again, occasions when I not only think, not only type in my own private archives, but actually say "because I don't want to answer, because I don't want to tell you things, because I want to pull back into my own shell and never trust again, and I'm making myself say things anyway so sometimes they come out awkward or crude or hurtful or incorrect and I'm sorry, I'm trying" don't tend to bode well for me or anyone I'm talking to.

Yes, that probably needed to be said.  But not at 3:38 am on the first day of the new year.  I went to bed feeling alright, I woke up feeling alright, but I knew then and I know now that everything isn't completely alright, because to be perfectly honest, all of what I just quoted still applies.  I must admit though, I needed the sleep.  It didn't give me a magical solution or a permanent cure to anything.  It just gave my mind a much-needed break.  No, everything isn't fine yet, but at this point, I believe that it is in fact possible for it to be, which is something I was certainly starting to doubt before I went to bed.

I'm going to take this slowly, one step at a time.  Looking at it from that perspective then, this is progress.  This is getting better.  Maybe that's ultimately why I titled the post the way I did.  Because right now I'm going to take this day by day, and go through everything slowly and sequentially and hopefully get better.  It might take a while, but I'm hoping it works.  I'm not sure what to do if it doesn't.