Edge of the Blade

So here I am, walking on the edge of a blade, not going to one side or the other, walking on my toes to keep from falling. Sometimes it seems like half the time my life is just an attempt not to fall. And yet somehow that works for me. I don't know how, I don't know why, but it does. I love the anticipation, the danger, the risk. Part of that is that life hasn't always been challenging enough or interesting enough...so I walk the edge of a knife, back and forth, and suddenly it becomes more fascinating. Suddenly, I can get hurt if I fall, so I have a real reason to fight for it, a real reason to stay on and try not to get hurt.

Of course, sometimes things don't really go as planned--I fall off, I hurt myself, I get cut. Then it's all the more reason for me to stand back up on the edge and learn a new dance. The greater the risk, the greater the rewards. I don't just walk the blade, I dance...I throw my arms around wildly, fling myself in all directions, challenge gravity, toss myself in defiance further off balance, waiting for the fight that inevitably comes with trying not to fall. I live for those moments--when everything is falling around me, when I want nothing more than to curl up in a corner and die...that's when I really thrive. Because then I learn what I really am capable of, I see the true power of life, I really feel, really fight.

And I've been waiting for that moment of getting thrown off lately, and it hasn't come. There have been times when I've been close, but nothing has really challenged me. So I'm still waiting, watching for something to throw me off balance. I want the power taken away from me. I want to be pinned against a wall. I want to have to fight for something. Nothing can even begin to come close to my passion for those moments. There's something so pure and beautiful about having all the power taken away from you, something that brings out the truth, the raw, hard beauty of existence.

I love that more than almost everything in the world. Perhaps worse, I know that some of the major mistakes I've made have come from a desire to feel powerless, to be pushed and have to exert everything I have. Of course, this time around, I think I won't be nearly as foolish about that, and I rather doubt I'll let myself get carried away by my endless fascination for such sensations. But who knows? Maybe I'll make another mistake while I'm at it...the irony of realizing and accepting that fact is quite amusing as well, alas I'll see where life takes me now.

In case it was (or wasn't) noted, I'll clarify that the feeling of powerlessness is not only one of power, but also one of passion. It is sensual, it is emotional, it is nothing short of lust. That may be taken as it will, but this is the truth--I love a good challenge, however it may be that life chooses to throw it at me...and if I find it worthwhile, I will risk everything to pursue it. Try me.