Grasping at the Mist

I miss being in love. I miss the rush of emotions, the secret smiles, the fluttering heartbeat that comes with wanting one specific person. I don't miss relationships, I don't miss the messes that come with break-ups or petty fights, nor the necessary commitment to someone because of a title and a label that placed you as part of a "couple." What I really miss is the ecstasy, the sheer passion of just wanting to be with someone, no restrictions, no rules, just a desire in the bottom of your heart, the ache that makes you want to see someone, even exchange a simple "hi" with them, nothing more.

Being in love is being able to forget about everything else in the world. The closest I am to love right now is this blog--it's the truth, not hidden, it's my emotions, plain on my face, it's an expression of my desires and my celebration in the thoughts of my mind. I miss waking up with someone's name on my lips causing me to smile, having one person I want to tell everything to after I see something interesting, the skip in my heart when I see that someone has logged on to AIM, hoping they will talk to me. Maybe it's the sensation of anticipation or the longing for an intimate companion who I can trust, but I miss having one person on my mind and only one person.

There is a difference between love and relationships...there are no rules in love, it works the way it does and that's what makes it so beautiful, precious, liberating, and wonderful. As soon as love gets labeled as a relationship, there are restrictions, obligations, rules to follow, and that leads to things falling apart. One of my favorite quotes on the subject is, "People tend to ask too many questions in love, and once you begin really wanting to know the answers, love is on its way out." This quote is from The Night in Lisbon, by Erich Maria Remarque, definitely one of my favorite authors. I highly recommend his books...but anyway, that's not the point of this, so back on topic now. When I read that book, I didn't really understand that quote, I was in a relationship at that point, and I was happy with it, and I wasn't thinking much about it falling apart. Then when it ended, I went back and looked at the quote and suddenly it made perfect sense--everything had worked just fine until we tried to rationalize the irrational, to quantify the unquantifiable essence of love, to pick it to pieces and understand the way it worked.

I don't want answers, I don't want specifics. I want a mystery to be in, I want the sort of love where no questions are ever asked and no answers are ever given. Where glances tell the tale, but the dialog is left up to each party to decide for themselves. This quality tends to last through the beginning of love, when people are just beginning to fall for each other, and everyone is too afraid of making a mistake, so they tread around it carefully...sneaking glances, hiding smiles, playing simple games. Maybe what I really miss is falling in love. Either way, I long for that elusive happiness that comes with an incomprehensible attraction, complete with fluttering heart and quivering lips.