It's a question I keep getting from people. I'm walking along, and someone stops me and asks. I sit down in a chair, and someone I know approaches with those words on the tip of their tongue. And I don't know why. Maybe it's because I look tired, or maybe it's because I'm staring off into space. But the frequency with which that question has been directed at me lately is striking, and possibly unsettling.
What's perhaps worse is that I don't know the answer. Every time I'm asked, I inevitably say "yes." It's the natural answer for me, I mean...why wouldn't I be? But I can't help but wonder. What if I'm not okay? Certainly sometimes life feels like it's crashing down, about to fall apart, but that's part of existence; there's nothing you can do about it, and I just deal with it. So why do I keep getting asked this question? And if it really is alright, then why am I still questioning it? Why is this thought still in my head?
Well, to start off, what does it even mean to be okay? Does it mean having control over one's own life? I rather doubt it. If it did, then nobody would be "okay." So maybe it has something to do with not falling apart, not breaking down. Or being able to reasonably function, being able to get through the day. What do people mean when they ask that question? And I'm left to wonder why it's asked of me of all people.
As far as my own level of being "okay," I'm still not sure how to determine that. Yes, I'm under a lot of stress. No, I'm not sure that I can get through this week or this month. But on the other hand, I'm equally aware that I have no choice in that regard. Life has this tendency of working itself out somehow--everything works out. Maybe it doesn't work out the way we want it to, maybe we find that we have made mistakes, but it does work out in the end. Something about that is so hopeless, yet so hopeful at the same time. So even when I'm two seconds from having a breakdown, even when I wake up with a throbbing headache from the night before, dreading the day to come...I'm still okay.
It's so easy to say that, of course, when I'm sitting back, looking at my computer, contemplating the universe. Being in the moment makes that harder to do. When your heart feels like it's just been broken, your life feels like it's falling apart, you forgot everything important for the day, and you can't talk to any of your friends, suddenly...you don't exactly feel okay anymore. And I'd be lying if I say I haven't felt that way before. I have, more times than I care to count or to remember. But right now isn't one of those times. Right now, I can step back, I can take a deep breath and look at my life shaping up around me, and not fall apart because of the pieces which threaten to fall.
I'm still learning how to step back in those moments of pain, still trying to figure out how not to fall under the pressure (because I know there are people just waiting to laugh at me when I do). I don't know if it's working or not. I want to be able to say that I'm alright, that I'm not weak, that I'm not afraid of my life. But those are all lies--and I still live behind those lies, because that makes it all easier to get through...or so it seems, at least. I try not to lie to myself, but I know that in doing that, I continue to lie to the world. I don't let many people see my weakness, I don't trust many people with the truth about my emotions or my thoughts. I'm afraid of being hurt, and yet at the same time I want to be. I want to know my limits, I want to find them, and the concept fascinates me to no end. Yet at the same time, I know that to find them, I need to transcend them.
I certainly pushed those limits over the summer. I sought just how much I could handle from my own compilation of emotions. But at the same time as I look back on that part of my summer as a bit of hell, as something that I never want to put myself through again, I want to go further. I want to see just how far I can go before I really, truly break. It's this dread fascination I have...this enthralling whisper in my ear, asking to be pushed to the edge. This dreadful game of seduction I play against myself...
I think my thoughts may have wandered quite a bit in writing this. Alas, it never fails to be interesting to try and understand the strange ramblings of my mind. Maybe one day I will make some sense of this, but for now it continues to perplex and fascinate me. Welcome to life: this wonderful confusion that fills our existence, the chaos that floods us with uncertainty, the ever-changing flow of time...
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