Pause

What would it be like to control time? To have infinite power over the instants that govern our lives? If it were up to me, I would freeze this moment forever, like the one song on your playlist you actually want stuck in your head. Click the pause button, the melody still in your thoughts. This sensation, this blend of anticipation and agony...so interesting, so mysterious. The sensations coursing through my body and mind right now leave me reeling. It's a ravishing adoration of the human capacity for life.

These past five days have given me the time I need to think, and although I have not conclusively figured anything out at all and have perhaps wandered into a deeper fog than I was in before, I have reached a euphoria that cannot be understood; nor do I want it to be. The variety swirling around me is incredible, my thoughts are lost to me myself. It is one of those moods where you could ask me any question and I would tell the truth, fearless of consequences, risks, or any such results. In this moment, I would do the countless things of which I think but do not speak, step forward and take the lead rather than waiting for life to take me by the hand.

Right now, I have no inhibitions. I am all-powerful. Nothing can hurt me. It is not the invulnerability, either, which comes from being emotionally numb. I feel everything no less strongly than I would at any other time, I am no less affected by thoughts or emotions except for those that hold me back. Perhaps that comes with having End Transmission (AFI) stuck in my head for the past four days, or perhaps it is merely the fact of being away from that which is ordinary to me. Whatever it is, I am glad of it. I feel liberated, uncontrollably controlled. This maelstrom of emotion is not of the bad sort; it cleanses me with vibrancy and fills my lungs with a fresh breath of life.

If I could pause right now, I would. I want this moment to last. I don't want to move on to the next song of my emotions, I want this one to remain within me for now. I'm not sure what I want to happen while I feel like this, but it doesn't matter, and I'm fine with that. This mood has picked me up and is carrying me...I never want it to stop, not yet at least. Take me through a few more days, let me cling to this fascination for several more hours if no more than that. Nothing more matters...nothing. Reason has fallen into an empty space and I have been overtaken by emotion. Let this fearlessness last, let this power and strength continue for as long as it may...I love this sensation, words cannot express how much.