Tendrils of Shadow

Every day of our lives is spent balancing indecision. We stare at a phone for ten minutes and wonder whether we should dial the number or not. We look into the refrigerator, trying to figure out what morsel we want to fill our stomach and satisfy a simple biological need. Whether we like it or not, our lives are chock-full of choices. So here we sit, trying to figure out in which direction we should lay out our futures, wondering how the next instant will change everything that happens from this point forward.

What is it about life that gives it that quality of preciousness? We all possess one life...to have or to lose. What happens in that life doesn't really matter. It all ends anyway. Certainly where it ends or how is different, but there's no significance in something once it is gone. Unless, of course, you take the religious standpoint, which I don't. So why do things even matter? Why do we agonize over everything that happens when ultimately, it won't make the slightest change in the world for ourselves or for others? And yet somehow we drag it all out.

Sometimes we try to create a meaning for ourselves. We say that we live for people, we live for moments, we live for emotions. I've been through all of those, and convinced myself (with limited success, in most cases) that this was my reason for living. But when we really get down to it, there is no reason for us to live. There is absolutely no force behind us keeping us going. It's all down to ourselves. While the world around us may push or pull, and fill us with sensations and emotions, we have nobody but ourselves to live for, nobody but ourselves to blame for our lives, and nobody but ourselves to continue fighting for.

And yet saying that we live for ourselves is in itself rather naive. What does it mean to live for oneself? It's back to being nothing short of just getting through life, surviving, making it through it all day after day. I don't know why I do it, but I continue to, regardless. I've often said that it's only because death would require some amount of effort on my part, because life has become habit and changing that would take work...so it's easier to just go with it, continue moving through the stream of perpetual occurrences. But that's not entirely true. In a way, I live to see what will happen next, to see what I can experience. I'm given this time in this body, this situation, so I might as well make the most of it. Whether that's the best way to look at it or not, I have no clue...but it's worked well enough for me to this point, so I keep going with that mindset. When it stops working, I'll move on to something else...it just tends to work that way.

I want a conversation...about life, about death, about meaning, hopelessness, futility--those very things that seem to drive us to our actions and decisions. I don't want to think the same thoughts again and again like I have been; I want a challenge to my opinions, I want a reason to fight for what I believe. Perhaps most fascinating is the sheer depth of the topic...the submersion into the fundamental motivations which govern our lives. This is how we live, buried in our secrets, hiding the truths we believe, because we fear the fragility of life itself. Irony is oh so beautiful, is it not?