End

Maybe I've finally broken. Or at the least I've had a breakdown. Five minutes ago, I was in the corner of my room, choking back tears, not letting anyone else see them. Now, I'm blasting music as loudly as my computer will let me, and yes, this time I do have headphones on...I feel my head being numbed by the sound already, and after a few hours of this, I can probably expect to lose my hearing, or something approximating that sensation. I guess I've been brought to my breaking point. Because I can't do anything right now except for pounding frantically at my keyboard, choking back the emotions threatening to escape. Of course I've wiped the tears away so that you'd think they were never there...again.

So suddenly it all comes back together--even words from the titles of my blogs: pouring, vulnerable, blade, used, tear, obsession, faltered. Yes, it's all come together. Come together to the point where I'm ready to jump off the metaphorical edge. There are two days that I need to function through. That's two days for me to make major mistakes, to wreak hell in my life, to bring everything crashing down about my ears. And right now, I'm up for it. Right now, I'm just about willing to give up any sense of reason I have left and get carried away by everything I've kept locked away.

I want to run away and tear everything down, throw down all the pieces, the nonsense that's keeping me caged in. I can't do this anymore, I won't. It's too much. I can imagine just how I look right now, like the pathetic huddled figure of someone who isn't capable of dealing with their own life, trying to fill the internet with hopeless, pathetic cries of agony and weakness. Yeah, that's me. Now walk away. Don't talk to me, don't look at me, leave me alone. The only thing that's holding me here right now is...well, I don't really know. Maybe I'll be able to figure that out at some point, but it's really not looking like that is the case right now.

So I guess this title is appropriate. It's definitely the end of something. What it's the end of...only the end of the next 48 hours will bring...what hell or lack thereof I will unleash upon my own pathetic floundering mind in this world, I don't yet know. Even writing this, I know I'm not likely to do anything, which in a way makes me want to do more. So what's it going to be? The world isn't all or nothing, but it's nothing short of pathetic if we try to settle for anything in between. The bomb has been dropped. Now all that's left to see is the blast. I'm waiting.