No Excuses

I was walking somewhere today, and thinking about life, probably envisioning a conversation I might have with someone at some point. I was simply going along as normal, when I distinctly caught this thought in my mind:

"My thoughts have nothing to do with my actions."

Then I stopped. Something's obviously wrong with that statement. This goes against everything that I've been working on lately in terms of not just going along with things and actually picking a position. I guess these are the things I need to be cautious of. Because in all honesty, I know that I wouldn't hesitate to say that to someone in a conversation. I only say "I don't know what I'm doing" or "I'm not capable of thinking anymore" far too often as is. The last thing I need to say is another entire untruth about the correlation (or lack thereof) between my thoughts and decisions.

I'm working hard to stop just passing things off and actually take responsibility for what happens in my life. And I know that statements like that only serve to shirk that responsibility further. What I really need to do is start avoiding such thoughts or declarations and accept the fact that people aren't always going to be happy with the decisions I make...and that sometimes I'm not going to be happy with those decisions, either.

As much as I always say that I don't care what people think, I know that I do. I just don't need to be called out on it, that's all. Yes, there are some things that I care about, but at the same time, it makes it easier for me personally to deal with certain situations if I allow myself to forget the opinions of others. Self-delusion? Quite possibly. And I should probably work on improving that about myself, too...but for now I think I'll deal with actually taking responsibility for some things that I've been avoiding.

A lot of the time when I use phrases like the one I caught myself thinking, it's not a matter of trying to avoid my thoughts, but a habitual excuse for my actions, it avoids putting the pressure onto my shoulders for the most part. People don't seem to really pick up on the seemingly casual toss of that statement into conversation, but the more I think about it, the more I realize how significantly it really does affect me. Consciously, I couldn't care less what the world thinks about me or what I've said or done, but there's always the subconscious part of me that's taken to throwing out excuses and apologies all around to make me seem more polite, respectable, etc. to other people.

No, I won't even place the blame on my subconscious. If I wanted to, I could throw everything back onto human nature and chemical or electrical signals in the brain, but that's taking away from the true humanity of the decisions I make. I'm not about to let this be another one of the responsibilities I shirk. It's my mind, and I make the decisions. In attempting to summarize this, I'll say that sometimes I do care and other times I don't, and that by now, it's largely become a habit for me to excuse myself far more than I really should. That habit stemmed out of a desire to be accepted by other people and not judged for one thing or another.

So now that I've realized all of this, I'm not going to just leave it be. I'm going to start thinking before I say something (that's always a good idea, right?). I'm going to stop making excuses for everything and anything unless it really was a mistake. If you don't like what I said, then so be it, I'm not going to apologize for it just because it displeases you, especially if I did mean precisely what I said. Certainly that's a lofty aspiration, but where would I be if I didn't challenge myself?