Used

Thinking back on the post I wrote earlier today, I realized that I had not once used the word "used" in it. It was in my mind the entire time, because it went along with the concept, but I did not once put it down. So I guess that's the trail I'll take right now, because the thought is still weighing on me, and I'm not much capable of finishing any work while that's still over my head to the extent it is.

Most everyone I've ever gotten really close to, close enough to really trust them, ended up just using me. I've been used physically, mentally, and emotionally. And after several years of that, it's really not worth it anymore. It's never been as extreme as it has been in the past year and a half, and the extremity of that has worn me thin. I'm not willing to put myself out there to be used anymore. That's another part of the reason I won't risk being hurt, because being used like I have been is too much, it has worn me to a point where I don't know that I can feel better about it.

All the lies that I've been fed...the lies that led me to be used and left in a metaphorical rut at the end...every last one of them that I believed because I wanted to hope that people were good enough to be trusted, to not just use me, and to actually respect me. To think that I was so naive...it's sad. I wish it wasn't true, but it is. I've been hurt too many times, my trust has been betrayed too many times, and I have been used too many times to ever go back to the way it was before. It's over. The old me that was open has crumbled to pieces leaving the frail soul mere moments from death cowering behind the front of diamond, putting on the show of strength that I have learned so well.

Few who know me would actually imagine just how much my life is falling apart, because whenever someone is depressed and needs support, I'm there for them...I talk for hours and let them cry on my shoulder no matter whether I have hours of work left to do or if I'm two seconds from breaking into tears myself...I let people rant at me, yell, scream, cry, no matter how I feel about it. And I'm not saying that it isn't "fair," because I'm not asking for fairness, it's not a tendency of life to be such...but this is exactly why I'm never open to people at this point except when I am at the brink of cracking, and even then I don't ever come near to the true extent of my emotions. So when my ex decides to ask me for help, I offer it...I set aside the fact that this is the person who has made me miserable, who has spread my secrets like seeds throughout the world to be mocked and scorned, yes...I still help because I've been asked to do so.

I don't even want anybody to help me anymore. I don't necessarily want to be left alone, but I don't want to be used at this point, because that's something I really can't deal with. I can't be this tool any longer, I just can't. The number of times that people have used me has made me unwilling to even try to be bold again. In a way, I have been beaten down to a point of defeat, but that is something that I will never admit. So here I am, waiting for time to pass because I don't have the strength to act anymore...leaning against the front that I have put so much effort into constructing, the facade that I will not let people get past ever again. I hope that one day, I will be able to break that vow, but right now, it is beyond my capacity.