Tearing at the Heart

This is one of the hardest posts to write. I've been thinking all day, and not just about writing, but knowing that I have to write something pertaining to my thoughts. Maybe it's my current environment, maybe it's the full significance of recent (and not so recent) events, but today has not been easy. The mix of my emotions is overpowering, intoxicating, and I'm on the brink of tears not from one emotion in particular, but from a thousand different feelings fighting inside of me for expression or at least a sense of understanding.

It feels like my heart is being broken into countless tiny shards. I can't really think coherently, and I'm biting my [metaphorical] tongue in writing this to keep various phrases from spilling out that I know should never see the light of day. I'm confused, and I can't really figure things out. It's a matter of me struggling with my own inadequacies, weaknesses, uncertainties, and trying to understand human nature, emotion, and the compilation of that has left me powerless. My hands are trembling and I can't still my breath...I'm frustrated, and too afraid of every single action I take to allow myself to do anything at all.

I want to write so much, but I know I can't. I often say that I don't make assumptions or guesses, even though I do. I still say that though, to keep myself from getting hurt, to avoid taking the unnecessary risk of exposing my vulnerable thoughts and opinions to anyone. Yet at the same time, I expect other people to make the same conjectures that I'm not willing to. It's unfair, I understand that, but I am not at a point in my life right now where I can just let down my guard. So here's a disclaimer: I won't make you assume, I won't hold you to any assumptions, even the ones I lay out for you to make...but don't expect me to out and tell you anything, either. I'm sorry.

That wasn't necessarily directed at anyone in particular, I guess it was a general explanation to the world, or to all people as individuals; I'm not sure. The main problem here is that I don't want to get hurt (of course). If I was more willing to take the blow and deal with it, all of the solutions would be so much simpler, but that's not the way life works. Instead, here I am, trying to comprehend my emotions (more so than even my thoughts now) through black characters appearing at the habitual tapping of my fingers on the black keyboard before me. I'm stretched to extremes in several directions at once...I can feel the tightness in my jaw even when I consciously try to relax it, I'm worn thin with worry and thought.

Quite possibly, there is a simple solution to everything, with minimal pain for all involved, and that is moving to Mongolia and becoming a hermit in the mountains....um, no. But really, maybe it is all very simple, but human emotions cloud our judgement and don't allow us to see anything objectively like that--it's all subjective, confusing, impassioned. So I'm still here, complicating my situation, thinking convoluted thoughts about emotions and people. That doesn't really get me anywhere though, at least not right now when there's work to be done and people to continue life with. I don't want to put off these thoughts until it's too late and I've made another mistake, but right now it feels like I have no other choice. Now to multi-task between the work that needs my full attention and the confusing web of emotions that truly holds that attention...hoping, forever hoping that something will one day make sense.