Picking up Pieces

In the past week or so, I've been thinking back about things that happened in the past that may not have been the best. And these are all things that I had thought I'd gotten over before now. Summer was a break, and I had my share of breakdowns, and thought I had finally accepted all of my mistakes and moved on. Then, two weekends ago, I had several conversations that completely changed my mind in this respect. So I started thinking about this more.

Last year, I got into my first serious relationship, changed completely as a person, and made some decisions that were far from intelligent and most certainly qualify as mistakes. I had honestly thought that I had accepted all of this...until I really started analyzing my thoughts on the matter. As it turns out, there were some fundamental elements missing. I was confused about relationships, about friendships, about the truth even. Here's what I figured out:

I've now dipped into the experience of dating, and I had come out of it thinking that I was happy with what it had been before--relationships for the sake of temporary companionship and attachment. As it turns out, I'm not happy with that at all. I tried thinking of what criteria I have for someone I would date, and this is what that list looks like:

someone I trust and who trusts me

someone who can respect me

someone who can comfort me

someone I'm happy spending time with

someone who makes me want to be a better person

Yep...someone who really makes me want to improve myself. Suddenly it all fell into place--that's the piece I've been missing all this time. This is why my last relationship didn't work out, this is why I haven't gotten together with anyone since then. Maybe it sounds hopelessly unrealistic and too much to expect, and maybe it is. But that doesn't mean that it's wrong.

So I guess this severely limits my dating pool, since finding a person who fits all of those (and there's probably more that I left off the list) isn't exactly easy. On the other hand, I now understand something more about myself and my life. Here's where the hard part starts: it's not exactly easy to say 'no' to someone who fits almost every qualification except for the most important one. I like relationships, I like being that close to someone--I like that intimacy, both in the emotional and the physical sense.

I once read a quote on the wrapper of a Dove chocolate (mm...those are good) that said "temptation is fun; giving in is even better." Well, as nice as it would be to believe that, I'm not so sure I can go with that anymore. Life's really not that easy. And this plays into this thought of relationships right now extremely well. Do I seriously expect to wait until I meet the perfect person before I date again? I rather doubt it. As nice as it would be, I'm trying to be realistic here--the chances of it happening are next to none.

I'm still seeking a balance with this idea. I'm prepared to make mistakes--because what's life without them? But at the same time, I know that there are certain mistakes that I'm never going to repeat. And I promise myself that I'm never going to date someone again just because I tell myself "I'll give it a chance, maybe it'll work out." Because that's what happened last time, and needless to say, that didn't work out too well.

So here I am, almost six months after it all ended, still really working to accept all of it. It hasn't been an easy journey, but it's not something I regret. I'm glad I've gone through this, because it's shown me my own strength and let me find out what I really believe. Who knows where this will lead me, but I know I'm finally starting to figure things out, and no matter how hard it is, it's a good feeling. It really is.