Become

I said I'd write a lot, so here I am, writing...and apparently, I'm writing a lot. Because right now, I can't say it, I can't do anything about it, I can't express it in any way other than by writing. This is why I dislike like this place so much. So damn much.

Every single time I'm here, this place hits me. It hits all of the worst parts of me--my weaknesses, my imperfections, my vulnerabilities, my miseries, my emotional issues. And in this case, I can't fight back. The thing is, knowing that I can't so much as raise my voice, so much as voice my dissatisfaction, kills me. It drives me straight to hell. Because how am I supposed to be strong, when every last thing around me is pulling me down and I can't even fight against it.

That's what makes it so hard. I've spent hours of today thinking, reasoning, trying to understand as much as I can about what's going on, what's wrong, and what I need to fix. Probably the only thing I've realized is that the problem isn't the place around me, isn't the people who play a part in my life, but is me--the way I think, act, reason, everything.

So it all comes back to the question I asked before: what happens next? What do I do now? And I still don't really have an answer. Right now, I'm sincerely trying. I'm trying to not get angry with my circumstance, to make the best of an unpleasant situation, to smile even though all I want to do is scream and shout. But it's hard...and I'm not sure how long I can maintain it, or if I'm even doing the right thing.

I want to make this work, and I'm willing to try different things to do it, but I don't necessarily know where to start. I'm confused, I'm lost, I've forgotten myself. And now I'm working to remember, to get a grip on the world around me again, to make sense of the things I experience.

I think I really have come to terms with things though. Some things that have happened don't affect me as much anymore, and I've learned to look at them as events that have shaped me, but do not define me. Sometimes the image crumbles, and all of my issues come streaming forth again. Then I lose confidence, doubt myself, and wonder if it's even worth anything.

Maybe it's really not. But all that I can do is try to make the most of it, to figure it out. Although I do often wonder just how close to that line I'd have to get, just how far over the edge I'd need to lean...in order to want to turn around. What would it take for me to really throw everything away and start afresh? I don't know, and I'm not sure I'm willing to find out, either. So for now, I'm trying to do what I can with the situation I'm in, to make the best of what I've got around me, without making the system crumble or my entire foundation collapse.