Enabler

I figured it out. I know what changed. I found an enabler. That's what's made this year so different from every year before. I found a friend who would let me mess my life up, who understands the irrational thoughts going through my brain, and who doesn't try to stop them. That's what changed.

The irony is, I'm not exactly upset about that. I like some of my ridiculous, harmful, strange thoughts, I like the irrational, laden, confusing actions they lead to. I like having someone who enables me. I don't want anyone to stop me. The prospect of spiraling out of control into a realm of foolishness and destruction fascinates me, I find it absolutely enthralling. And I don't want it to stop.

Unfortunately, I'm not oblivious to this. I realize that I cannot continue on like this, so while I want an enabler and don't want anybody to stop me, I know that I need someone who will step in and not let me mess it all up. What's funny is that it just occurred to me that maybe it shouldn't be people stepping in and enabling me or stopping me, but rather myself.

And while that is true, while I also know that I am the only reason I haven't completely lost it yet, I've just realized the significance that an enabler has had on this instance in my life. If a person's influence can change things this radically, it would probably be best for me to find a competing influence, a better one, if only because I know I shouldn't continue on this highway to hell I'm currently traversing.

Sometimes I scorn the fact that I'm intelligent enough to realize these things. Sometimes I wish it would be simpler and I'd just let myself go completely. But the fact of the matter is, that's not going to happen. I'm not going to let it. And while that may occasionally make me bitter, in the long run, I know it's probably for the best, so I'll accept it and figure out what to do from here on out.