Truth

How do I write the truth without writing the truth? How do I say what I mean without making it obvious? The thing is, I promised myself to be honest in what I wrote here. I promised that I would write nothing but what I thought and felt. So why am I not? Why am I holding myself back? What am I afraid of? I guess I might as well try, since I can't think of anything else to say.

I'm hurt. That message brought up absolutely everything that I had been trying to avoid, everything that I was trying to move on past, everything that I wanted to be able to forget. And just as I thought I was starting to succeed, there it was, waiting to throw me down. I don't know why it cast me down the way it did, I had hoped that the past didn't carry that much power over me anymore. Evidently, it still does. Apparently, I'm still trying to do what I thought I had succeeded at before.

That sets me back even further than I was before. I wanted to get out of here tonight, I wanted to be outside, or far away, or anywhere that wasn't in front of my computer, because I couldn't have that message glaring at me as it was. So I got out. Only happy banter wasn't what I was in the mood for. All of that didn't help. Sure, it wasted time, I'll give it that, but it was another one of those conversations where I am content to listen and say nothing myself, and then eventually I drift out of it, and am left to my own thoughts, which in this case were not exactly pleasant in any way.

I was crying. But nobody noticed, because of course it's one of those things that we'd all rather ignore. Because nobody wants their good mood ruined by someone else's issues. Of course. It's not anything unexpected, nothing I couldn't have guessed would happen. I locked my door when I came back. God only knows what's happened before when I've locked the damn door like that. But nothing happened, not this time. I wish I had less self-control so that for once I might take action, for once might do something or say something for myself instead of just writing it.

Why do I keep lying? To myself and to everyone else. I keep saying I'm alright, when clearly I'm not. Why do you keep asking if you know what I'm going to say? Why do you keep talking if you know I'm not going to respond? Why do you keep up the pretense of actually caring when you don't give a damn anymore? I have 3 chat windows open right now. Each of those questions was directed to one person. And what are the chances that none of them is going to know that I probably really should say that to them?

I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm crying again, because this has broken me thoroughly today. There's nothing else I can say. Nothing I haven't said, or rather written, before. And maybe that's the problem, that I'll write it but will never say it. But how am I supposed to be able to pull myself together enough to say so much as a word of what I mean? How am I supposed to even hold myself together anymore?

I can't even go to sleep right now. I'm shaking, with sobs and maybe with something more, I don't know. I'm broken, empty, shattered. I keep using those words to describe myself, but what the hell else am I supposed to say? I couldn't fall asleep if I tried, so I won't even bother. I'll sit here for a couple more hours and attempt to get work done. And in the end, I'll probably cry myself to sleep anyway. But what does it matter? It's nothing short of the usual by now. I wish I was just saying that...I really wish that was the case.