Letter To An Undisclosed Recepient

This post is going to be a letter. I know who I am writing to, and it is written specifically to one person. But nobody else will know who this is to, although some could inevitably guess.

Dear [name],

In all actuality, you don't even deserve a letter from me, and especially not one that starts with "dear," but I am polite and have retained some sense of decency that you appear to have lost, and so I write this as I do. What happened? To me, to you, to everything and anything between us? We were so close last year...we complained about the same people, laughed at the same jokes, and found comfort in similar emotions. And now...now I see you becoming one of the people we complained about, I see you laughing at me and the way I have become, and I see you mocking any sincere emotion I may have ever confided in you.

So what the hell happened? You hurt me. You hurt me like no other, and in so many ways. Now, I can't even talk to you. I can't so much as look at you without a mix of emotions that I do not understand rising up inside of me and begging for a release. I know all of what you've said about me behind my back, and I know that you'll never say the least bit of it to my face. That's maybe the part that bothers me most about it all.

You don't even have the guts to confront me, yet you mock me relentlessly, even knowing that I will hear. What else am I supposed to think of you? I see you as a coward, a selfish bastard who couldn't deal with things not working out and had to shatter my life, too , in order to have something to be happy about for yourself. I don't hate you, but I can't look upon you with any semblance of a positive emotion either, and sometimes I honestly wish that I could bring myself to hate you.

What I do hate, however, is the fact that you still affect me to this extent. I hate that I can't just move on from everything that happened, that I am still affected by what you've said and done. I want to move on from here with my life, to start afresh somewhere else, but I have to wait a while before I even get that chance. So here I am and here you are...ignoring each other, pretending we never even knew what it was like to understand the thoughts that we all had.

.........and that's all I have. I don't know how to finish it. I don't know what more I could say. I'm in a cross of too much pain and too much confusion to do anything, to think of anything, to be able to understand what I could even say. So I guess that's all I have this far. I feel as though I should somehow apologize, but I don't know how...