So-Called Friend

10:45 pm
You walk into my room. You don't even knock, just burst in. But fine, I'm used to that from you by now. And you ask if I have any bread. I tell you, "I don't think so, check the fridge." So you look in the fridge, say, "nope," and bounce on out, the same way you came in.

Wow...did you really just do that? My cheeks were soaked with tears, my hair was thrown around from running my hands through it so much, my voice was ragged and unsteady, and I didn't look at you. You didn't even notice. You didn't so much as think about me for a minute to figure it out. And really, I promise you it wouldn't have been that hard to tell.

So then this morning, you ask if I'm okay. No, no I'm not. But you know, I'm not crying today, my hair is not messed up all around my head, my voice is steady and controlled. I didn't tell you any of that though, I said, "yeah, I'm fine."

And you looked at me and said, I quote, "No, something's wrong, your breathing is off and you're spacey." Are you serious? You couldn't tell when I was crying last night, and yet you notice my damn breathing this morning?

"Alright, fine. Something is wrong," I told you.

"I take it you don't want to talk about it?" No, no I don't. I really don't. Because you managed to miss it when I really needed you. You messed up when I was in tears, so I really don't want to hear what you have to say now that I've actually managed to pull myself together a bit.

Then you went so far as to say, "but I'm your friend, I'm supposed to be there for you and support you." Really? You didn't notice that I was crying yesterday, you didn't stop to help me then, you weren't there to support me when I needed you to be. So I don't want you here now. I may need you to help me, but I sure as hell don't want you to.

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm upset with you for not being there when I was the one breaking down. Because I guess I really can't expect you to be there for me. You'd think I would have figured this out by now, but I guess I haven't...oops. Maybe one of these days I'll finally learn that people are all assholes, friends are never true, and life just doesn't work.