And then it hit me. Just walking along the dirty street in the murky light and the bitter wind, it all made sense. All of the fear, the anxiety, the confusion...gone. Just like that. In one second, it clicked. Everything worked again. The mess of the past few months vanquished, destroyed, obliterated as if it had never even existed.
Unfortunately, that hasn't happened to me...yet. What I'm hoping is that this week gives me the opportunity to realize something like that. And I know that it's not going to be this whole spectacular, instantaneous realization, but I hope that it's at least going to be something.
The thing is, I don't think I need some huge change. I probably just need to start looking at the small stuff a little bit differently. Nothing major has changed that I can use to account for all of this, but something has clearly happened. So maybe all that really needs to happen is just a small adjustment, a little reminder of why things seemed to work so much better before.
Maybe they didn't really work better before, but only seemed to...that in itself would serve to explain whatever change took place to put me where I am today. But what happens next? That's the real question. While it would be nice to understand how I got here, that's not nearly as important as what I do to move on from this place I'm at.
That's what this is all about, figuring out what to do from here on out. My life is changing around me every single day, whether I like it or not. And I need to figure out what I'm going to do about it. None of this is anything I hadn't already known, but I'm writing it anyway. If I write enough, maybe it'll start falling together, maybe I'll start seeing pieces connect that wouldn't have done so in my mind. Or maybe the only thing that this will all be good for is looking back and seeing just what sort of a mess I went through, later on in my life.
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