Hold Me

I think I may have realized something today. And maybe it's only temporary, or only because of the weather, but it hit so poignantly that I feel it worthy of writing down. As is known, or at least can be surmised from this blog, I am single, and have been for...perhaps longer than I care to recount, and probably will be for a good while longer. But something about the situation has changed.

Before, I was looking for someone who understood my problems, who was willing to allow my self-destructive habits of mind and my masochistic patterns of thought. I wanted someone who would stand by and watch me break myself further and then hold me when I couldn't take it any longer. I wanted someone who wouldn't stop me, but would justify my problems to me, would accept me with the inconsistencies I had.

So what I realized is that I don't want that. I don't want to be broken anymore. I don't want to just justify my problems, I want to solve them, fix them, do something about them. I still want to be with someone who understands me and my issues, but I can't be in a relationship with someone who lets me continue on the path I've been going. I can't be with someone who's not willing to stop me and is only going to hold me after I have hit a point when I can no longer hold myself.

I don't just want something different, I need something different. I need to be able to move forward with my life, to fix the habits, and to change the way I see things around me. And I couldn't do that with someone at my side who would stand by as I drove myself deeper into despair. I guess I just need to start looking for different people than I have been before...

What also strikes me is that this is probably one of the most poorly-written posts, as far as flow and quality go, that I have written...in the past two weeks, certainly. And I wonder (or perhaps just hope) that it's because it is least stylized and most true, because it is the basest of my emotions, which cannot be adequately expressed in words, and thus come out choppy. That's probably not why it is so poorly-written, and if I went back and tried again to write the same thing, it may perhaps come out more eloquent. But I don't need eloquence. Eloquence is wonderful in some of my posts...but in this one, it doesn't matter. In this post, what matters is the thought behind it and not how it comes out in words, so I'm leaving it as is.